Dawson's Patronus: A Screenplay
by katekatekate
Summary: I seriously doubt anyone will understand this unless they are my friends. Dawson's Creek meets Harry Potter in college with wild dementors roaming about, featuring me, my friends, and our celebrity crushes. THESE ARE NOT REAL CHARACTERS I DON'T OWN THEM!
1. Meet the Cast

**Disclaimer: Okay OBVIOUSLY I do not own these characters, and even though some of them are named after actors and non-historical people they are in no way based on their actual personalities. How do I know? Well, I guess I don't because I have never met any of these people. But I am pretty sure none of them are wizards.**

A little background:

Hogwarts University is a school of magic, for 18 or older wizards and witches. It is 3 years post-Assimilation, in which the magical population assimilated into the Muggle population. Also, wild dementors are somewhat of a menace.

Kate: Muggle-born junior, likes Clive Owen

Misa: Half-blood sophomore, likes boys in general, especially Ian Somerhalder

Laura: Half-blood sophomore, likes dogs, basketball, and Delonte West, Misa's roommate

Jenna: Pureblood junior, likes Pacey, Kate's suitemate

Becca: Laura and Misa's suitemate, studying to be a Healer

Clive Owen: Student body president, pureblood

Ian Somerhalder: Sketchy freshman cousin of Clive Owen

Stefan Salvatore: Equally sketchy friend of Ian Somerhalder, lives in village

Dawson: Closeted freshman wizard, has secret unicorn patronus

Joey: Dawson's beard, kind of a hippie

Abi: Joey's roommate, kind of a stoner

Ron Weasley: Herbology TA, awkward, Abi's love interest

Delonte West: Freshman basketball star with questionable ethnicity

Reid: SUPER hot but sadly gay senior basketball captain

Pacey: Dawson's muggle cousin who works at wizard bar Merlin's

Flo Rida: Cook at Merlin's, not allowed to do magic

Yasi: Flo Rida's muggle girlfriend

Alexander Skarsgard: Secret Squib, other cook at Merlin's. Gay, likes Reid.


	2. Scenes 1, 2

**It will be amazing, truly, if anyone bothers to read this. Good luck to you.**

DAWSON'S PATRONUS

Dawson: Hi, my name is Dawson. I am an 18 year old wizard about to enter Hogwarts University, to learn more about magic and to set myself up for a career in the magical world. I am moving into my dorm today; I'm living in Hufflepuff Hall. I hope my roommate is cool.

Joey: Hi Dawson! Look, my room is just down the hall from yours!

(They kiss)

Dawson: This is my girlfriend, Joey. We have been together since wizarding junior high school. She is going to study Herbology as her major at Hogwarts, but I am still Undeclared. She is constantly hounding me about declaring my major, and it's not even the first day of school!

Joey: Have you given any thought to your major yet? Maybe you have decided that you want to do Herbology, like me?

Dawson: See what I mean?

Joey: Oh, I saw your cousin Pacey on his way to work at Merlin's this morning. He said to let him know if you need help moving in.

Dawson: My cousin, Pacey, is a Muggle, and sometimes forgets that because I have magic, I don't really need help doing much. A simple Levitating charm will get all these boxes into my room, so manual labor is just not necessary.

(Clive Owen enters)

Clive Owen: You must be Dawson. I'm Clive Owen, the student body president at Hogwarts. My cousin, Ian Somerhalder, is your roommate. Have you seen him around at all?

Dawson: No, but I just got here, so it's possible he was here and then left.

Clive Owen: I kind of doubt it. He will probably roll in sometime around dinner…

(He exits, looking frustrated)

Joey: Wow! He is one hot wizard. I wonder if his cousin looks anything like him?

(Ian Somerhalder enters)

Ian Somerhalder: Hey hey hey, party people. Is this my room? Hufflepuff Hall?

Dawson: Yeah, it is. I'm Dawson, and this is my girlfriend Joey. I guess we are roommates.

Ian Somerhalder: Cool. Well I think I'm going to go check out the campus, and maybe head over to that Merlin's place. I'll unpack later. See you kids around.

(He exits)

Joey: Wow, he is really hot, too! Just like his cousin. They must have really good genes.

Dawson: Yeah, but Clive Owen has that ruggedly handsome thing going, whereas Ian Somerhalder is more of a pretty boy.

Joey: Um…what?

Dawson: Shit. Obliviate!

END SCENE

Pacey: I'm Pacey, the bartender at Merlin's here in Hogsmeade. Today is Hogwarts' move in day, so I am expecting a lot of business, in addition to the regular crowd of townies and wizard townies. I am a Muggle, but since my cousin Dawson is a wizard, I am very well-informed of the goings on in the magical world.

(Misa enters)

Misa: Hey, Pacey! How was your summer?

Pacey: My summer was pretty boring, actually. We don't get nearly as much business when Hogwarts is out for the break. Can I get you something to drink?

Misa: Oh, well, since you asked so nicely, could I have two strawberry margaritas on the rocks? Laura is meeting me here and we are going to plan our schedules.

Pacey: Laura is Misa's roommate and best friend. Their other best friend, Kate, is a junior and lives in a single in Gryffindor Hall. They hang out here all the time, whether it's to party or study.

(Laura enters)

Laura: Pacey! Misa! What a pleasant surprise. Is that a margarita you are making for me, Pacey? Good man. Okay Misa, I have a plan to make our classes this year totally awesome.

Misa: Laura, I think your definition of totally awesome and mine are quite different, but let's hear it anyways.

Pacey: Laura is always hatching these crazy schemes in order to have fun, and Misa is much more serious and studious. But when they get going on a Saturday night, watch out! Things get pretty rowdy.

Laura: OK, so I have officially declared my major to be Potions, which you did last year, so now that we have the boring intro classes out of the way, we should totally take some crazy potion making classes! I found this one that Professor Grubbly-Plank teaches that is all about how to prepare potions for animals! We start out with dog biscuits and stuff, and then for our final exam, we prepare veterinary liniment! It's totally relevant to our lives, because then we can use this stuff for our dog!

Misa: Laura, for the millionth time, we are not getting a dog. And while that class does sound very…interesting, I think we would be better off taking potions classes that apply to humans. Like this one: Poisons and Antidotes 200. That is a required class, and it is very useful.

Laura: I guess…ooh look, a class about love potions!

Pacey: This cannot be good.

Misa: Okay, we can take the love potion class. It would be useful to learn how to counteract those kinds of potions. I hear they can be very dangerous.

(Kate enters)

Kate: Oh hell no, you two should not be allowed anywhere near a class about love potions. Hogwarts will never be safe again.

Pacey: Kate sometimes makes fun of Laura and Misa for their boy-craziness, but it's widely known that she has been in love with Clive Owen since her first day at Hogwarts.

Laura: Hey, Kate! How's the single in Gryffindor? Have you seen Clive Owen walking around? How's that going, by the way?

Kate: Jeez Laura, it's not like I'm in love with him or anything. I mean, I guess I've seen him. I ran into him this morning when he was looking for his cousin or something.

Misa: He has a cousin at Hogwarts?

Kate: Yeah, some freshman, Ian Somerhalder I think is his name. He is Pacey's cousin's roommate, actually. In Hufflepuff Hall.

(Ian Somerhalder enters with Delonte West)

Delonte West: Aw shit, this ain't no bar, dog! Ain't nobody up in this joint, shiiiit man I wish I ain't never left the ATL that shit is fuckin dope, yadadameaaan.

Ian Somerhalder: Who are you? Why did you follow me in here?

Pacey: This is interesting.

Delonte West: Shit son, I been tryin to tell ya. I'm Delonte, I'm a new student here. Some thug with a wand bounced me outa my hood, and now he tells me I've gotta learn magic or some shit like that. I tell ya homie, I just wanna ball, that's what I do.

Ian Somerhalder: Well, my cousin who is a senior told me that the basketball team at Hogwarts sucks pretty bad, so I guess you are shit out of luck man.

Laura: Hey, we didn't win last year because all our best players graduated. But there is some fresh new talent this year and I think we could go to state or at least districts. Delonte, you should join the team. I play for women's.

Delonte West: That's what I'm talkin bout! Damn shorty, you play ball?

Pacey: Laura is junior captain of the women's basketball team here at Hogwarts. To be honest, they suck worse than the men's team.

Ian Somerhalder: So, you must be Pacey, my roommate's cousin. What's the story with this place? Do people party here or anything?

Pacey: Yeah, Merlin's is usually pretty packed at night.

Misa: Oh my god Laura, THAT is Clive Owen's cousin! He is sooooo hot! I can't believe it.

Laura: If you say so. That Delonte guy is a fox. I wonder what his ethnicity is.

Misa: OMG, they are coming over here!

Delonte: Sup shorties, how you ladies doin tonight?

Misa: Um, it's the middle of the day.

Ian Somerhalder: Hey there, I'm Ian Somerhalder. You probably know my cousin, Clive Owen. He's the big man on campus, but between you and me, he's kind of a prick.

Kate: Clive Owen is not a prick! He is a great person, and he has superb leadership skills.

Misa: No, he is kind of full of himself. He thinks he's the hottest guy on campus, but he's totally not…anymore.

Ian Somerhalder: Well I can see there are plenty of cute girls around here for him to pick from. Hey, I think we are gonna take off and explore, but maybe I'll see you around?

Misa: Definitely.

Delonte West: Aight ya'll, keep it real. Girl, I better see you and your fine ass in this bar later tonight.

Laura: (swoons)

Pacey: It's like watching animal planet.

(Ian and Delonte exit)

Misa: Holy. Shit. I want him inside me.

Laura: ME TOO. We should totally play strip basketball.

Kate: I'll get some dirt on them first. I got a kind of bad feeling about Ian Somerhalder from Clive Owen.

Misa: Clive Owen is a snob. I'm sure Ian's not a sadistic vampire or anything. And even if he was, I'd still be down.

Laura: Agreed. Let's finish moving our stuff in, I want to get a jump on my corgi posters.

Kate: Did you get those Pit Bull puppy posters for me?

Misa: You two are retarded.

(Kate, Misa, & Laura exit)

Pacey: Looks like Delonte West and Ian Somerhalder are going to be in for an interesting year!


	3. Scenes 3, 4, 5, 6

**It will be amazing, truly, if anyone bothers to read this. Good luck to you.**

Alexander Skarsgard: I'm Alexander Skarsgard. I live here in Hogsmeade village with my roommate, Flo Rida and his girlfriend Yasi. I am a Squib, but no one knows except for Flo Rida, who is basically a Muggle because he dropped out of Hogwarts in his second year. We work in the kitchen at Merlin's. Yasi works at a Muggle fashions store called Marc Jacobs.

(Flo Rida and Yasi enter)

Flo Rida: Girl, did I ever tell you that you spin my head right round right round? Oh, hey Alexander.

Alexander Skarsgard: Hey guys. I'm about to head to Merlin's, Pacey asked me to come in early to stock the Butterbeer and Firewhiskey.

Yasi: Flo Rida, do you have to go in early too?

Flo Rida: No sugar, I got tonight off so I could take you out for your birthday.

Alexander Skarsgard: Yasi and Flo Rida kind of make everyone around them want to throw up all the time because he talks so cutesy to her. Yasi used to resist it, but now she just gives into it and tries to laugh.

Flo Rida: Baby you so sweet you givin me a mouthful of cavaties.

Yasi: Okay.

Alexander Skarsgard: Alright guys, I think that's my cue. See you later tonight.

(Alexander Skarsgard exits)

Yasi: So what are we doing tonight?

Flo Rida: Whatever you want, candygirl. Dancing, drinking, movies, cosmic bowling, you name it, it's yours.

Yasi: Can we just order pizza and stay in? And watch Spanish soap operas with the sound off while making up our own dialog? And then have lots of hot sex?

Flo Rida: Babygirl, that right there is why I'm stuck on you like an ele-elevator.

Yasi: What? That doesn't even make sense.

Flo Rida: You got me sprung like a toaster.

Yasi: Nice Muggle appliance reference.

(They kiss)

END SCENE

Clive Owen: Being Student Body President at Hogwarts University sure does give me a lot of responsibilities. I have to oversee all the freshmen as they move into Hufflepuff Hall, and lead a seminar on the college's rules and academics! And now I have to deal with my crazy cousin, on top of all of this? This year sucks already.

(Ian Somerhalder enters)

Clive Owen: Where the hell have you been? I've been checking your room every few hours to see if you deigned to grace us with your presence. Why didn't you come check in with me?

Ian Somerhalder: Oh shit, sorry Mom. I just got here like an hour or two ago. Don't worry, I haven't exploited any of your precious wizard students yet.

Clive Owen: Look Ian, I know it's been a rough couple of years for you, but you can't take that out on the people here. All these witches and wizards are here to get a magical education. I don't know why you would even be here if you didn't want the same thing.

Ian Somerhalder: Well, home was getting pretty boring, with everyone else going off to school, or rehab.

Clive Owen: Not Azkaban?

Ian Somerhalder: Fuck off. I don't know anyone stupid enough to get landed in Azkaban.

Clive Owen: Yeah well, you try to push your little drugs here, that's exactly where you will end up. There's dementors all over the village at Hogsmeade, and if you try to go into the woods or alleys to conduct any shady business, that's where they will find you, I guarantee it.

Ian Somerhalder: Dude. I know you are supposed to be all presidential, but give me a freaking break. I've known you since we used to play Death Eaters and Aurors. Don't bullshit me. I'm not gonna cast any shadows on your mighty empire, chill.

(Kate enters)

Kate: Oh, hey Ian. Clive, I was just wondering if Jenna has checked in yet? I don't know if she's here, but I am locked out of the bathroom and I'd really like to take a shower, so could you let me in?

Clive Owen: She's coming later tonight. She developed an allergy to Floo Powder and had to travel by train. I'll see if I can find the bathroom key.

Ian Somerhalder: Well, I think I'll leave you crazy kids to it.

Clive Owen: If you decide to take anything seriously, you know where to find me.

Ian Somerhalder: Yeah I'll just climb up into your ivory tower. Got it. Peace the fuck out.

(Ian Somerhalder exits)

Kate: Are you okay? That sounded kind of intense.

Clive Owen: Yeah, my cousin is just kind of a dick. I'm not crazy about him being here.

Kate: Well, to be fair, he's probably just young and immature. We were all like that once. He'll grow out of it.

Clive Owen: Yeah, I hope so. Right, you needed a bathroom key. Well I am totally disorganized right now, I have no idea where it is. I'm sorry.

Kate: Oh, that's okay. I can just shower later.

Clive Owen: No, that sucks, just use my shower. It's a really nice shower, since I'm the student body president. Very spacious.

Kate: Oh…no….really? I probably should like…wait…or something…are you sure?

Clive Owen: Really, it's no big deal. My fault for misplacing the key to your bathroom.

Kate: Well, okay…um, I guess I will go get my towel and stuff….and come back.

Clive Owen: Sounds good, I'll be here.

(Kate exits)

Kate: Oh my fucking Jesus and God, holy shitballs, I have got to find Misa and Laura!!

END SCENE

Laura: Misa and I have been roommates for two years now. We're both half bloods, but Misa was raised in a wizarding neighborhood, and I grew up in a Muggle neighborhood. That's probably why I like dogs so much. I think that when I graduate from Hogwarts, I want to be an animal healer. Or a professional basketball player. Or open a winery. Or write a mystery novel series. Or-

(Kate enters)

Kate: Ohmygod you guys Clive Owen just invited me to shower in his room! And I said okay!! Holy shit what do I do!?

Laura: I guess I could be a travel guide in sub-Saharan Africa. Wait, hold up, what now? Clive Owen wants to give you a golden shower?

Misa: That is all kinds of wrong. And you said okay?

Kate: Yeah, I've decided to just go for it and let Clive Owen pee on me. (Author's note: I totally would.) Hello, he told me I could shower in his room! I got locked out of my bathroom and now I'm supposed to go shower! In Clive Owen's shower! Now! I told him I was going to get my stuff! Shit!

Laura: Well, this couldn't be any clearer. He wants on.

Misa: Let's not be too hasty. Did it seem like a come on?

Kate: Well…I mean, it's Clive Owen. Not really. I think he was just offering because he felt bad that he lost my bathroom key. But what if he thinks I take too long of showers? Or too short? What if he is allergic to my shampoo and goes into anaphylactic shock when the fumes waft out? What if he thinks I look ugly with wet hair?

Laura: All good questions. Do people really look ugly with wet hair? It was so hot in The Notebook.

Misa: Uh, no. Those are not good questions. You look fine with wet hair. Even if he is just doing this to be nice, you totally have to go for it. Who knows when you will get another chance to be in Clive Owen's shower?

Kate: That is a really good point. And he did say it's a really nice shower.

Laura: Do you want to borrow my lucky paw print towel?

Kate: Maybe next time. I'm just gonna take my regular one this time around. Wish me luck!

Misa: Good luck!

Laura: I can't believe she didn't want to borrow my lucky paw print towel. Well, if Clive Owen turns out to be repulsed by regular towels but very turned on by whimsical ones, I guess it's just her loss.

Misa: I wonder if Ian Somerhalder has used that shower.

END SCENE

Kate: Okay, I've got my towel, I've got my shower basket, I've got flip flops. Should I have brought extra clothes? Shit, I can't believe I'm going to the top of Ravenclaw Tower in a towel. I'm totally going to trip and flash everyone. Oh, Sweet Jesus. I hope Clive Owen is still in his room.

(Kate knocks on Clive Owen's door)

(Clive Owen opens the door)

(Kate enters)

Clive Owen: Oh, I see you found a towel. Well…good! The shower is just through there. Have fun! I mean, don't slip and drown. I mean…well, I'll just be out here doing work.

Kate: Um, okay.

(Kate goes into the bathroom and shuts the door)

Kate: Clive Owen is acting a little weird. Maybe this was a come on! Or maybe he is afraid I think it was a come on. I should not have come up here in my towel. That was dumb. Shit. This is so embarrassing.

Clive Owen: I totally did not expect her to come up in a towel! Well of course she did, duh, she's taking a shower. In my shower. Naked girl in my shower. She's probably naked right now. Dude, shut up, she's your friend. And she looked super uncomfortable, she probably thinks you are coming onto her. Way to be a creeper, Clive.

Kate: I wonder if he is listening to me take a shower. What if I sound weird in the shower? What if he thinks I shower weird? What if he decides to bust in and do me right here in the shower?

Clive Owen: Okay, I'm doing work, not thinking about naked girl in shower. Not thinking about boobs. Just freshmen housing. And academic schedules. No wet, sudsy boobs of any kind. Fuck.

Kate: I can't believe Clive Owen is just sitting out there while I'm in here, naked, taking a shower. This is kind of hot. Do these shower heads detatch?

Clive Owen: No way am I getting a hard on because there's a naked girl in my shower. You hear me, Clive Owen Jr? Not. Happening. I know it's been a while for you, but I have a lot of responsibilities right now. I really don't need your input.

Kate: Thank god I'm almost done in here. This is so weird.

Clive Owen: Man this is weird.

Kate: Phew! That was a great shower, too bad I couldn't enjoy it at all. Oh crap, there's no bathmat. Typical guy. I hope I don't slip on the wet floor –

(Kate slips on the wet floor)

Kate: Fuck! Shit fuck shit balls fuck shit balls!

Clive Owen: Kate? Are you okay?

Kate: Yeah, I'm fine, just slipped. You should really get a bathmat.

Clive Owen: Oh, that totally explains why I always slip getting out of the shower.

(Kate emerges from the bathroom)

Clive Owen: Are you hurt at all? Sorry my shower tried to kill you.

Kate: I'm good man, I just hit my head a little bit. Trust me, this is nothing out of the ordinary. It's a rare day that some inanimate object or another isn't trying to kill me.

Clive Owen: Well, okay. Let me know if I can get you anything.

Kate: Actually, the key to my bathroom would be great, so I don't have to keep risking my life in your shower.

Clive Owen: Of course, I'll get right on that.

Kate: Cool. Thanks for letting me use your shower.

Clive Owen: No problem. You can use it anytime.

Kate: Oh..thanks. Well, hopefully I won't have to.

Clive Owen: But if you do, don't hesitate to ask.

Kate: Okay, well, I'm going to go back to my room and get dressed.

Clive Owen: Hogwarts does discourage nudity. As student body president, I can confirm that.

Kate: Right. Well, thanks again. See you later.

Clive Owen: Yep. See you later.

(Kate leaves)

Clive Owen: Oooookay. That was really weird. Also, she looks really cute with wet hair. Back to work, Clive.

Kate: What. Just. Happened. Shit, my head hurts.

END SCENE


	4. Scenes 7, 8, 9

Joey: I've been dating Dawson going on six years now, and things couldn't be better. We are going to Hogwarts together, and I bet when we graduate, he will finally ask me to marry him!

(Dawson enters with Ian Somerhalder)

Dawson: Hey Joey, are you ready to head to the Great Hall for dinner? The welcome feast is supposed to be super fabulous.

Ian Somerhalder: Super fabulous? With extra helpings of fruitcake?

Dawson: That's what this girl told me, I was just quoting her.

Ian Somerhalder: Relax, dude. Clive told me about the feast too. I have prepared a sweet little baby J for just this occasion. You wanna do the honors?

(Ian hands Dawson a joint and a lighter)

Dawson: No way! Look at this cute little guy! I just want to put him in my pocket! What a doll!

Ian Somerhalder: Sure, bro. Or, we could smoke it and then have the best feast ever.

Dawson: Yeah, bro. Totally.

Ian Somerhalder: You guys smoke, right?

Joey: Ian, we are Herbology majors. I use a roach clip to pin back my hair. Give me the joint.

Dawson: I'm not actually a Herbology Major. I'm thinking about Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Joey: Dawson, I love you, but how can you be a Defense Against the Dark Arts major when you can't even perform a Patronus charm? You should do Herbology.

Ian Somerhalder: No shit? You can't do a Patronus? What are you like dyslexic or something?

Dawson: It's the only spell I've ever had trouble with. Just never really got the hang of it, I guess. Whatever.

Joey: Well, except for that one time in high school. You had a great Patronus that day in class! I never properly saw it because there were so many floating around, but I remember it was really big. What did you say it was? A moose?

Dawson: Yeah, it was a big silver moose. I dunno why I haven't been able to do the spell since then.

Joey: Remember when the teacher thought it was a unicorn? But that was Mack Christiansen's. Poor Mack.

Ian Somerhalder: That's a pretty shitty way to come out of the closet for sure.

Dawson: I don't really see how a unicorn is that gay. I mean, it's a horse, right? Horses aren't gay.

Ian Somerhalder: Seriously, dude? Everyone knows that a unicorn patronus means you are gay. Same with kittens, Pomeranians, and chickens.

Joey: Chickens? Really?

Ian Somerhalder: Oh no, chicken patronus means that you have brain damage.

Dawson: That's right. My uncle Pete used to have a shark patronus, and then he got on the receiving end of a really bad memory charm. After that, he always produced a chicken. Didn't do a whole lot to keep away the dementors.

Ian Somerhalder: Chickens might be pussies, but they sure are delicious. Come on, let's smoke this bad boy and get over to that feast.

END SCENE

Jenna: Hi, I'm Jenna. I just found out I am allergic to Floo Powder, so I had to take the freaking train to get to school. That's basically my life. Awesome.

(Jenna enters the Great Hall)

Kate: Jenna! Dude, where have you been? I have some serious news to drop on you!

Jenna: Dude, I thought Clive Owen would have told you. I took the train.

Kate: He did tell me, actually –

Laura: That's not all he told her!

Misa: Jenna, you have got to see Clive Owen's cousin. I literally creamed my pants when I saw him.

Jenna: Okay, okay, wait. Hold on. Kate, what's the serious news?

Kate: I took a shower in Clive Owen's bathroom because ours was locked.

Laura: He invited her! Isn't that romantic?

Jenna: Did he want to bone?

Kate: No, he just felt bad because he couldn't find the key for our bathroom.

Laura: He was def prepping her for boning. There is no other explanation.

Kate: There are many other explanations. It was pretty weird though. He got all tense and nervous, and he kept telling me that I could use the shower anytime.

Misa: Did you hear what I said about his cousin? Dibs, in case that wasn't clear.

Kate: Also he doesn't have a stupid bathmat, so obviously I fell and hit my head on the floor. Nothing a quick trip to Merlin's can't fix.

Jenna: Are you fucking kidding me? Four, maybe five hours at school and you already have a brain injury? Kate, what the fuck. You have got to be more careful.

Misa: You didn't tell us you fell. Are you okay?

Laura: Did Clive Owen catch you? With his penis?

Kate: I'm fine you guys. Didn't even get a bump. No blurred vision or slurred speech, I promise.

Jenna: Do you think our bathroom is unlocked yet? I took some colon cleanse potion on the train and I am defskis gonna be needing it soon.

Kate: I'll go ask him. He is sitting at the table with your boyfriend, Misa.

Misa: While you're over there, can you tell Ian Somerhalder to have sex with me?

Kate: Sure thing, Misa.

(Kate approaches Clive Owen's table)

Ian Somerhalder: Hey Clive, here comes your shower buddy.

Clive Owen: That's not funny, Ian. Don't worry guys, it wasn't like that at all.

Dawson: Whatever you say, man. Hey, I'm Dawson, and this is my girlfriend Joey. Nice to meet you.

Kate: Nice to meet you too. Hey, Ian. Clive, I was just wondering if you found our bathroom key yet.

Ian Somerhalder: Ah yes, the lost bathroom key. Oldest trick in the book. Kate, did you thoroughly check for cameras and recording devices in that shower? I'd be suspicious if I were you.

Clive Owen: Dude, you can't say shit like that! I'm student body president! Accusations like that could get me in serious trouble!

Kate: It's okay Clive, I think anyone who has talked to your cousin for more than five seconds knows better than to take him seriously.

Clive Owen: Yeah, I couldn't find it, so I just had Maintenance lift the locking charm on the bathroom door. That way you can use Alohamora.

Kate: Oh, I didn't even think of that. I was going to call a locksmith.

Clive Owen: Locksmith? Must be a Muggle thing. I'm a pureblood, so I am used to the magical solutions for everything. I guess if you are Muggle-born, it doesn't seem as natural.

Kate: Actually, I figured Alohamora wouldn't be able to any of the bathroom doors for privacy and safety reasons. Seeing as I'm not student body president, I don't know every detail about the school.

Clive Owen: Well, good thing I'm student body president then.

Kate: Uh huh. I'll see you guys later.

(She leaves for her table)

Ian Somerhalder: Clive, you are an asshole.

Clive Owen: You're calling me an asshole, Ian? Yeah, that makes sense. Why are you eating like its your fucking job anyhow? You high already?

Joey: Ian rolled this cute little baby joint! We still have the roach if you want some.

Ian Somerhalder: Ooh, that was a very bad move, Joey.

Clive Owen: Next time I see you guys with drugs, you bet your ass I will confiscate them. I think I'll take the rest of my dinner back in my room. I have work to do.

(Clive exits)

Joey: Sorry, Ian. I didn't mean to get you in trouble with the all-powerful student body president.

Ian Somerhalder: Nah, it's no big deal. His presidential panties are always in a twist about something. If you ask me, he just needs to get laid, big time. I'll be right back, you guys.

(Ian Somerhalder walks over to Kate's table)

Ian Somerhalder: Hey Kate, sorry my cousin was such an ass to you.

Kate: Oh it's fine, he is probably really stressed out right now.

Misa: Clive Owen was mean?

Ian Somerhalder: He just got up on his high horse and talked down to her because she's Muggle born. Such a dick move.

Kate: It's really not a big deal.

Ian Somerhalder: If you say so. So are you girls gonna be at Merlin's later tonight?

Misa: Probably. Why, are you?

Ian Somerhalder: Definitely. I'm already bored as shit with this place. Reminds me why I left school in the first place.

Kate: You dropped out of high school? How did you even get into this university?

Ian Somerhalder: I had my uncle pull some strings. He's Junior Minister of Magic, you know. It's a pain in the ass most of the time, but every once in a while he makes himself useful. And it was either this or wizard vo-tech, and there are almost no girls at vo-tech. Fuck that.

Misa: Oh my god, that is so funny. Wizard vo-tech.

Jenna: I guess we will see you at Merlin's later.

Ian Somerhalder: I guess you will. See you ladies later. Try not to get too drunk before I get there.

(Ian Somehalder leaves)

Kate: Ugh. I can't believe the way he talks about Clive Owen. He is so rude.

Misa: Thank god he's not gay. I mean, I didn't think he was, but it's always a relief to know.

Jenna: Holy shit, that guy is hot!

Misa: I know. Remember, I have dibs.

Jenna: God damnit. Looks like I'm in for yet another dry year.

Laura: He has a really hot friend named Delonte. You could totally have him if you want. As long as I get him after.

Kate: You guys scare me sometimes.

Misa: It scares me how hot Ian Somerhalder is. What should I wear to Merlin's tonight?

Laura: Depends on what kind of come-hither message you are going for.

Misa: I think I'm gonna go for a combination of demure and do-me-now.

Jenna: I think I'm just gonna wear my flight suit.

Kate: Misa, you should wear that red dress. Ian Somerhalder will not know what to do with himself.

Misa: As long as he is inside of me by the end of the night, I don't care what he does with himself.

Laura: That's the way to think! Way to get your head in the game.

Kate: I can't believe I am friends with you people. Also, I really missed you this summer and let's never be apart again.

Misa: Sounds good to me. Although I might have you leave the room while I bone Ian Somerhalder.

Kate: Nope. Not a chance. I'll be there with a video camera.

Laura: And I'll supply your sex playlist. Lots of George Michael.

Jenna: Hey Kate, want to head back to my room and watch Muggle TV shows before we head over to Merlin's?

Kate: You know I do. Alright you sex fiends, we'll see you later tonight.

Laura: Count it!

Misa: Try to get to Merlin's before Laura passes out with her head in the toilet again.

(Jenna and Kate exit)

Laura: Dude, I only did that once. And it wasn't even my whole head.

Misa: Once is enough, Laura. No more drinking Bailey's from a shoe.

Laura: But I'm Old Gregggg. Creamy beige.

END SCENE

Joey: I'm going to get ready to go to Merlin's tonight, okay baby?

Dawson: Sure thing. I need some time to get ready too.

Joey: Don't make fun of me! I need to work on my hair, Dawson. It doesn't just get so straight and shiny by itself, you know.

Dawson: Well, I wouldn't know anything about that. Primping is definitely a huge mystery to me.

Joey: Oh, Dawson. You're such a guy.

(They kiss)

(Joey exits)

Dawson: Yep…that's me. Shit.

Joey: Sometimes I wish that Dawson understood girl stuff like this. Oh well, I guess that's dudes for you. Oh look, my roommate is here!

Abi: Are you Joey? I'm Abi, your roommate.

Joey: It's so nice to meet you! I have to warn you, I probably won't spend a lot of time in this room because my boyfriend lives just down the hall. But you should totally come out with us tonight! I could use some more girls in our group.

Abi: Is that a roach clip in your hair?

Joey: You're not in league with Clive Owen, are you?

Abi: What?

Joey: Just checking. Yeah it is, and I have a nice little roach in my pocket right now. Wanna finish it?

Abi: Hell yes! Gimme that shit.

(They smoke)

Abi: So where are you guys going out tonight? The village?

Joey: Yeah, there's this cool bar called Merlin's that everybody is going to. My boyfriend Dawson's cousin Pacey works there, so I bet he will totally hook us up with free drinks.

Abi: He works there? Is he a student?

Joey: No, he's a Muggle. He is really nice though. Kind of a hippie, but that's apparently really trendy for Muggles these days.

Abi: Tell me about it. I live in a Muggle neighborhood, and all the kids spend literally hundreds of Muggle dollars in order to dress like vagrants. It's all very strange.

Joey: I'd authorize a study if I could.

Abi: Oh man, that weed totally hit the spot. Let me know when you want to head out, I'm gonna lie on my bed and stare into space for a while.

Joey: Say hi to the ceiling for me.

END SCENE


	5. Scene 10

Pacey: I can't believe Flo Rida isn't coming in to work tonight. Alex, I might need you to help me tend bar if the natives get restless.

Alexander Skarsgard: That's not my fucking job, man. I work in the back. You deal with the people.

Pacey: Well, since I'm a Muggle, and can't magically pour drinks at the speed of light if I have to, it would be pretty great if you could help out.

Alexander Skarsgard: Well, I don't think I could be much help to you. I don't know any bartending charms or anything. Actually, now that I think of it, I didn't even bring my wand with me.

Pacey: Okay man, I've known wizards long enough to know that not having your wand on you is like worse than having no clothes on. Don't bullshit me, I'm not that naive.

Alexander Skarsgard: Seriously, I usually don't bring my wand to work with me. It really is not all that complicated to work a deep fryer without magic.

Pacey: If you say so. Any chance you could at least help me close up at the end of the night?

Alexander Skarsgard: Yeah, sure I can. Sorry I snapped at you before, the Hogwarts crowd kind of gets on my nerves.

Pacey: I know, I'm sorry. That sucks that your parents wouldn't pay the tuition for you to go there. You better not be working in that kitchen forever, buddy.

Alexander Skarsgard: It's cool, man. Hogwarts is pretty up its own ass with exclusivity. I'm not too upset to be missing out on that. And I'll call Flo Rida and Yasi if it starts getting hectic in here.

Pacey: Thanks, Alex. Better get started on that deep fryer, I think I see some kids on the approach.

(Dawson, Abi, and Joey enter)

Dawson: Pacey! How's it going?

Pacey: Hey Dawson, I'm doing pretty good. How was move-in day? What do you think of Hogwarts so far?

Dawson: I definitely can't complain. It's a little colder than I expected, though.

Joey: Me too! Pacey, can you get us some butterbeers? I am freezing!

Pacey: Well, it's cold because the dementors are probably out and about right now, with all the new student excitement.

Abi: How do you know about dementors? Aren't you a Muggle?

Pacey: Ever since the wild dementor population got out of control, Muggles that live in Wizard neighborhoods have been pretty well informed about them.

Joey: I thought Hogsmeade was protected against dementor attacks?

Dawson: Well, they don't come into the school or the shops, but I've heard that whole flocks of them hang out in the woods and in dark alleys and stuff.

Pacey: We haven't had any attacks lately, but it's been pretty quiet without the Hogwarts crowd. That could definitely change now that everyone is back. Here are three butterbeers.

Joey: Dawson, you better remember how to cast a freaking Patronus charm.

Abi: Dude, I seriously need chilli fries.

Pacey: Coming right up.

(More people enter)

Joey: Are you seriously still toasted?

Abi: I am a roasty toasty marshmellow. Thank you Jesus, for this amazing butterbeer.

Dawson: His name isn't Jesus, it's Pacey.

Pacey: Dawson, she is talking about Jesus, you know, the deity in Muggle Christianity.

Dawson: Dude, I haven't taken Muggle Studies since like Sophomore Year. All I remember is that clinophobia is the Muggle fear of beds.

Pacey: Seriously?

Joey: Who's afraid of beds?

Abi: Clinophobes, apparently.

Joey: I think I need to drink more before any of this makes sense.

Pacey: I'll get you guys another round.

(Laura, Misa, and Becca enter)

Misa: Pacey! Did you miss us?

Pacey: Always, girls. You are basically the only thing keeping the bar afloat in this economy.

Becca: I think we are going to try to pace ourselves tonight…Misa is on a mission.

Misa: And his name is Ian Somerhalder.

Dawson: My roommate? He should be here soon. He said he was going to meet a friend from back home and then he'd be here.

(More people enter)

Misa: Did he say if the friend was a girl?

Dawson: You know, I didn't really pay attention. I was trying to figure out how he styles his hair.

Laura: I've been wondering the same thing. Like, is there a pomade at work, or perhaps a leave-in conditioner?

Becca: I can't wait to meet this guy. He sounds delicious.

Pacey: All right, I got firewhiskey shots and butterbeers. Who wants what?

Laura: Ooh gimme one of each, I'm feeling like a Merlin's car bomb tonight.

(More people enter)

Becca: Way to pace yourself, Laura.

Laura: Pacing is for pussies. Whoop that trick Merlin's car bomb!

Misa: Fuck it, I'm gonna do one too.

Becca: Looks like I'm going to be the responsible one tonight. What a shock.

Abi: Pacey, these are the most delicious chilli fries I have ever tasted. I think that we should be married.

Pacey: I had no hand in those, I promise. Go and propose to the cook, Alexander Skarsgard. He has the magic touch with a deep fryer.

Abi: That's pretty much everything I look for in a man right there.

(Delonte West and Reid enter)

Misa: REEEEEID! Are you straight yet?

Reid: Well, let me think…no. Definitely not. You'll be the first to know.

Misa: I had better be. Or if you decide to have a weak moment.

Laura: Hey Reid, how's the team looking this year? Women's is pretty damn amazing, if I do say so myself.

Reid: Well, I think we are looking at a pretty good season with Delonte here. He is gonna be starting shooting guard in our first game.

Delonte West: Man, I'm just a playa, Reid. I'm a playa. I play that same shit wherever you put me, ain't no thang, I just wanna ball, shiiit.

Laura: Pacey, get Delonte and Reid some drunk!

Misa: It is impossible that you are already drunk enough that you thought that was a sentence.

Laura: Misa, have I ever told you how much I love you? I don't think I have.

Misa: How did this even happen?

Pacey: She took 3 more shots right when Delonte and Reid walked on. Looks like you aren't the only one on a mission tonight.

Delonte West: Babygirl, I ain't trippin but you's the finest thing up in this bar tonight. Can I buy you a drank?

Laura: You can buy me a pony.

Delonte West: I ain't tryin to buy no pony girl, I'm tryin to get my drink on with you.

Laura: Consider it on. Pacey, my cherished friend, my everlasting guiding light, my beacon of hope in the dark, polluted wasteland that is sobriety –

Pacey: I know from experience that sentence will never end. More butterbeer coming right up.

(Kate and Jenna enter)

Kate: Becca! I haven't seen you yet! Get over here, girlfriend!

Becca: Baby, I've been saving myself for you all day.

Jenna: I've been saving myself for both of you. Vag bumping threesome?

Becca: It's like you read my mind.

Kate: Uh oh, looks like Delonte found Laura.

Misa: And Laura found drunk, in record time I might add.

(More people enter)

Jenna: God damnit, I thought I was going to get with Delonte! Who am I going to fuck?

Misa: Good question. There's not too many dudes in here right now…maybe Pacey?

Jenna: But isn't Pacey like….a Muggle?

Kate: Jenna, you should totally go for him. He is exactly your type.

Jenna: But he's a Muggle. I don't even know how I would start something like that.

Kate: It's the same as with wizards. I mean, the wand/penis double entendres may not apply so well, but that's pretty much it. Dudes are dudes. It's really not all the complicated, they are kind of like plants.

Misa: I think if Ian Somerhalder was a plant, he would be Devil's Snare. Seductive, but also dangerous. And really hot.

Kate: Holy shit, is that REID? REEEEEEID I'm going to come attack you!

Reid: Oh god.

Jenna: Here we go again. I just want to say that I am the original Reid fangirl. You guys are just bandwagon jumpers of the first order.

Misa: I would jump on Reid's bandwagon any day.

Jenna: I don't even know what that means.

Becca: I think by bandwagon, she means penis.

Misa: Yeah, that too. Oh YES he's finally here.

(Ian Somerhalder and Stefan Salvatore enter)

Becca: Oh. My. God. Dibs.

Misa: Sorry Becca, I already called dibs. You just have to wait your turn.

Becca: No, I mean on his friend. God damn he is fine.

Misa: Ew. All yours.

Jenna: I have to get out of here.

Ian Somerhalder: Ladies, you are all looking simply lovely tonight. This is my friend from home, Stefan. Stefan, this is Misa, Kate, and I don't think I know you two.

Becca: I'm Becca, and this is Jenna. Stefan, was it? Where are you from?

Stefan Salvatore: Well, I live just outside Godric's Hollow, near Thrushcross Grove.

Ian Somerhalder: I've known Stefan for years. He's been my friend and business partner for quite some time now, so he's decided to crash in Hogsmeade for a while.

Stefan Salvatore: I have some friends living over on the edge of town that I'm staying with.

Becca: Wow, Thrushcross Grove, that's so exotic.

Kate: What do you mean by "business partner"? What kind of business could two high school kids start, besides pushing drugs?

Ian Somerhalder: I see my cousin Clive Owen has really gotten to you. You know, that whole pining-for-him thing you've got going is rather unbecoming.

Kate: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.

Misa: Ian, you have just got to try this drink that Laura and I invented, its's called a Merlin's Car Bomb. It's a shot of firewhiskey in a glass of butterbeer. Come over to the bar, I'll have Pacey make us some.

Stefan Salvatore: That sounds fun. Becca, are you drinking tonight?

Becca: Sadly, I am probably not going to drink very much because I have to keep Laura and Misa from passing out in the street.

Stefan Salvatore: You are a good friend. Ian and I are usually trying to drink each other under the table, so we will probably both end up passed out in the street.

Kate: Considering how many dementors I saw on the way over here, you might want to avoid that. Especially if you're intoxicated.

Becca: No shit? You saw a lot of them?

Stefan Salvatore: We saw a few at best. Definitely nothing we can't handle.

Ian Somerhalder: We've had a lot of practice outrunning dementors in Thrushcross Grove.

Kate: Yeah, I bet you have.

Misa: Pacey! I need those house specials over here!

Pacey: Misa, I heard you the first time, but I have no idea what the fuck a house special is.

Misa: Come on, Pacey, the Merlin's Car Bomb, the thing that Laura and I invented last year.

Ian Somerhalder: Maybe we'd better get a pitcher of butterbeer too.

Laura: Pacey, do you have any cookie dough back there? I'm really fiending here.

Delonte West: Baby, if its dough you want, I got stacks on deck I can make it rain like a fucking Rainman. Ballin and makin it rain, that's what I do.

Laura: Rainman? Like Dustin Hoffman? Dude, are you a savant? I didn't want to say anything, but on some level, I totally knew.

Delonte West: I ain't no fuckin savant, shiiit. I'm a playa, ya heard? I'm a playa.

Ian Somerhalder: Fuck, I really don't want to get sexiled on my first night here. It looks like Joey and Dawson are going to be screwing tonight.

Misa: Oh man, I guess you just will have to sleep with someone else. That's too bad.

Laura: I bet you could find a hollow tree. Or a toilet.

Misa: Kate, come here, I need your assistance.

Kate: Way ahead of you. Dude, Laura, I totally just remembered I have some cookie dough and a DVD copy of Milo & Otis back in my room. Should we do an Isenfrench Book Club: Sleepover Edition tonght?

Laura: I love Milo & Otis! Here comes the dog! Strong and brave!

Misa: Well, Ian, it looks like my roommate is ditching me for the night. It looks like nobody likes us.

Ian Somerhalder: A crying shame.

Misa: Whatever will we do?

Ian Somerhalder: Obviously, the best plan is to get revenge immediately. Let's not waste any time.

Misa: I'll drink to that!

Laura: Me too! To Milo and Otis, and their faithful, modern relationship!

Pacey: I think that's enough house specials for all of you. Hey Alex, are you still doing okay back there? You want me to call Flo Rida?

Alexander Skarsgard: I already called him, it went straight to voice mail. I doubt we'll have any luck with Owl Post at this time of night either.

Pacey: I wonder where he's at?

END SCENE


	6. Scenes 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

Yasi: That was such a fun date, Flo Rida! I especially liked the part where you fucked my brains out for like two straight hours.

Flo Rida: Miss Thang, you make my wall of fame every time.

Yasi: I love you.

Flo Rida: Girl, yous a keeper. Them birthday cakes, they stole the show.

Yasi: I love it when you talk all mysterious like that.

Flo Rida: Scuse me little mama, but I gots to get that cash from the ATM. I'll be right back.

Yasi: Okay, I'll just wait outside.

Flo Rida: Damn baby, you so fly just like my glock.

(Flo Rida exits)

Yasi: It's kind of like talking to a pirate, except he makes slightly less sense. Whoa, it's really cold out here….really, really cold….oh shit. SHIT. Flo Rida! Help! Dementors!

Flo Rida: One stack, come on. Two stacks, come on. Three stacks, come on. Come on ATM, gimme that dolla.

Yasi: Flo Rida, help me! There's dementors out here and I can't see them! Help me, please!

Flo Rida: Hold up, wait a minute, do I see what I think I? Whoa! Dementors!

Yasi: I can't move…I think one of them is holding me back…

Flo Rida: No dementor's gonna move up on Flo Rida's dime piece that easy.

(Yasi falls down)

Flo Rida: She hit the floor! I gotta get a wand before these dementors get low on my shorty!

(Yasi lays unmoving on the ground)

(Flo Rida grabs the Glock tucked into his waistband)

Flo Rida: Expecto Patronum, motherfuckers!

(He pulls the trigger)

(A bear Patronus shoots out of the end of his Glock)

(The dementors scatter)

Flo Rida: Yasi, baby, you still got your swagger? Can you hear me?

(Yasi stirs feebly)

Yasi: Flo Rida, you saved me. You saved me from the dementors.

Flo Rida: Forget makin it rain, I made it snow Patronuses all over those fuckers.

Yasi: I can't believe you performed a Patronus. I've never seen you do magic before.

Flo Rida: I keep a layaway shot in my Glock, in case I gots to be ballin.

Yasi: But aren't you not allowed to have a wand or do any magic because you dropped out?

Flo Rida: The law don't like it, but babygirl, yous the gun to my holster. I can't be losing you to any bitch-ass dementor.

(They embrace)

Flo Rida: Shorty, let's get you home. We be building castles that's made out of sand.

Yasi: That makes no sense whatsoever, but it's okay. Just take me home, baby.

Flo Rida: I'll take you home and wrap you up outta those clothes, girl.

END SCENE

Pacey: Whoa, Alex, did you just see that bear Patronus? Looks like the dementors are moving, all right.

Alexander Skarsgard: Did you say a bear? Oh shit. That's Flo Rida's Patronus, I hope he is okay…

Pacey: I thought Flo Rida didn't have a wand? How did he conjure a Patronus?

Alexander Skarsgard: No idea. Maybe I should go outside and check on everything.

Pacey: Be cafeful, man.

(Alexander Skarsgard exits)

Reid: Look at that bathroom line. Forget standing in that, I'll just pop outside for a minute to relieve myself.

(Reid exits)

Kate: Jenna, I think we should keep an eye on Misa and Ian Somerhalder. I really don't trust him.

Jenna: I'm more sketched out by his friend, but they are both really hot. I totally get where Misa is coming from.

Kate: Well, when I went up to Clive Owen's room to get our bathroom key earlier today, they were having kind of an argument, and I heard Clive Owen say something to him about pushing drugs. I think he and his friend are drug dealers, and not the friendly, hippie kind. I mean, Thrushcross Grove? That is pretty shady.

Jenna: Kate, you used to do drugs all the time. Where is this even coming from?

Kate: Yeah, so I know how sketchy drug dealers are! And Clive Owen seemed really concerned about him.

Jenna: I don't get what you see in Clive Owen. He is such an asshole to me, and he just thinks he is the shit. He's probably just concerned that a cousin with a sketchy past will upset his political clout, not that he even has any.

Kate: I know you two don't really get along…

Jenna: He hates me! For no reason! I mean, I'm pureblood, I'm nothing but nice to him, fuck, I even voted for him to be Student Body President, and he is just a dick.

Kate: I wish you could see Clive Owen the way I see him. I think I'm in love with him.

Jenna: You think? Really? Hey Laura, is Kate in love with Clive Owen?

Laura: Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Jenna: Exactly. Of course you're in love with him. But one, he's totally obsessed with being pureblood, and two, he's probably trying to become the next Minister of Magic or some shit and he wants to marry a VanUppity of sorts. I know families like his, they can't help it. It's in their DNA.

Kate: I know, I know. But I can't help it! He's just so cute, and funny, and he has those big eyes and sexy dimples and I think he looks a little like James Bond.

Laura: You mean like Roger Moore? I totally see it! Like if Roger Moore and Jaws had a love child in Moonraker, it would totally be Clive Owen.

Kate: I guess that's one way of looking at it. Oh, maybe we should watch Moonraker tonight.

Laura: Sweet! All night movie marathon! Can we also watch The Lizzie McGuire Movie? And Cast Away?

Kate: Absolutely. Especially Cast Away.

Laura: Wiiilllsooonnn!! What if Wilson floated away and met Old Gregg? Oh shit, you guys. What if Wilson IS Old Gregg??

Jenna: Laura, whatever you have been drinking, I need some of it.

Kate: I feel like I should be breaking out the video camera any minute now.

Jenna: Good, it's been too long since I belched my way through "Love Story".

Laura: You guys are the best. I'm sorry I'm so weird, really. So sorry. It's because, when I was a kid, I had no friends so I watched Star Trek every night with my dad, and then acted it out with my stuffed animals. It's all I know.

END SCENE

Alexander Skarsgard: Flo Rida? Are you out here, buddy? Pacey saw a bear Patronus…are you okay?

Reid: Who the fuck is that? Shit, my pants are down. Hmm, maybe this is fate.

Alexander Skarsgard: Who's there? I've got a wand and I'm not afraid to use it!

Reid: Pants up it is.

Alexander Skarsgard: Hey! What are you doing here? Were you just pissing on the wall of the bar?

Reid: Uh, no.

Alexander Skarsgard: You fucking Hogwarts kids. You think you are so entitled to everything.

Reid: Whatever, man. How come I've never seen you around at all? You don't look old enough to be done with school.

Alexander Skarsgard: Well, this might come as a huge shock to you, but not everyone shits Galleons. Some of us have to work to support ourselves.

Reid: Hey man, I don't shit Galleons. I'm here on a basketball scholarship.

Alexander Skarsgard: Yeah, whatever. Doesn't mean you get to piss all over the bar. I have to clean that up, you know.

Reid: If you don't mind me asking, why Merlin's? Cooking is a Muggle job, you could do something that would use skills you actually need in life, plus magical jobs pay better. What the hell can you use Muggle money for, anyways?

Alexander Skarsgard: I like my job. It keeps me busy, and I don't have to interact with the Hogwarts glitterati. And I use Muggle money for basically everything, as I live with two Muggles and we all share stuff.

Reid: No way! You seriously live with Muggles? What's that like? Don't they just want you to do magic for them all the time?

Alexander Skarsgard: No, they don't. Wizards and Muggles aren't that different. If you lived in the real world, you would probably see that.

Reid: Chip on your shoulder much? Look, I'm sorry I pissed on the bar, but the whole angsty bitterness routine is pretty trite and played out at this point.

Alexander Skarsgard: Bite me. Your ass is lucky I came out here just now anyways; someone just saw a Patronus. You shouldn't be hanging out here alone, I don't think the dementors will be impressed with your jump shot.

Reid: You don't have to be such a dick. I said I was sorry.

Alexander Skarsgard: Whatever, man. Forget it.

Reid: Okay, so I guess I'll be going back inside now.

Alexander Skarsgard: Good.

Reid: Aren't you coming? I heard that there's dementors around, maybe you shouldn't be hanging out here alone either.

Alexander Skarsgard: The dementors won't come to the bar. I am just gonna hang out and keep an eye on things.

Reid: If they won't come to the bar, why do you need to do that?

Alexander Skarsgard: I just want to make sure no dumb freshmen wander off into the woods.

Reid: Well…let me know if you need any help, I guess. I'm Reid, by the way.

Alexander Skarsgard: I know who you are, Mr. Team Captain.

Reid: Right. …Well, I guess I'll see you inside.

(Reid exits)

Alexander Skarsgard: Yeah, go on inside, Reid. Don't even ask my name. Even though I've totally been in love with you for the last three years, and you've never even noticed me before. And now we meet when you decide to get wasted and defile my place of work. Awesome.

END SCENE

Laura: Delonte, I wholeheartedly believe in your skill with a ball, but there's no way you'd beat me. I'm just saying.

Delonte West: Girl, I ain't tryin to put you out here, but not only am I the handsomest motherfucker in that locker room, Ima be the one to turn this whole fuckin team around. You ain't got a fuckin prayer, shiit.

Laura: I accept your challenge. When shall we duel? I need at least 24 hours notice to create my team name, colors, mascot, and uniform. Is it too soon to be the Death Eaters?

Kate: It is definitely too soon. You might as well be the You-Know-Whos.

Delonte West: Yea, I like that name. You KNOW Whos, shiit, like you know who's comin for yo ass on the court, an' you know you is gonna get beat.

Kate: You really don't do much except play basketball, do you?

Laura: Hello, Kate, he also gets tattoos! And works on his handsomeness. Think how long it's taken to perfect that swagger.

Delonte West: 'Sides my game, I don't work on shit, girl. Can't help it if I'm so damn handsome. My swag comes from ballin and spittin mad game, I ain't tryin to put off any kinda manufactured shit.

Laura: You are an inspiration to us all.

(Kate exits)

Delonte West: Aw shucks, ain't no thang shorty. So when we gonna ball together anyways?

Laura: You mean, when am I gonna shame you mercilessly in the sacred sport of basketball? Name your time and place, buddy.

Delonte West: Hows about right now, girl. I'd love to see your ass dunkin baskets in that miniskirt, hell yea.

Laura: That would be pretty tough. I'd probably have to take it off in order to play.

Delonte West: Awww yea, I like where this is goin.

Laura: Those are pretty big pants to be running around on a court in.

Delonte West: I ain't planning on keeping no pants on if I'ma ball wichu girl.

Laura: I guess I'd probably have to take off this tank top too, the material is not very aerodynamic.

Delonte West: The only way you gonna know bout that is if you try it out on the court at school, girl.

Laura: Well, this place is pretty tired. I'd be down to head back over there and shoot some free throws.

Delonte West: You know I'm always game for a little one-on-one action, baby.

Laura: Oh, god.

(They make out)

Delonte West: Come on shorty, let's get our fine asses up outta here.

(Delonte West and Laura exit)

Jenna: Well, that was fast.

Kate: Looks like the Isenfrench Book Club will just have to wait. Dude, let's drink more. This sucks and we are dudeless.

Jenna: This does suck. I almost want to just call it a night and go back home and watch Muggle vampire movies.

Kate: I could probably be talked into that in about three drinks.

Pacey: Slow night, ladies? Can I get you anything?

Jenna: Yeah, you can get me a fucking boyfriend.

Pacey: Tequilla shots it is.

Kate: Pacey, you are either trying to kill us, or you totally get us.

Jenna: Make it cheap tequila, though. I don't have much Muggle money.

Pacey: It's on the house. You girls like you need to loosen up a little.

Jenna: This feels like a trap.

Kate: Dude, it's Pacey.

Jenna: Good point. All right, let's do some SHOTS!

Pacey: I don't know if I give off a really safe, insignificant vibe, or witches just don't feel threatened by me because I'm a Muggle. I mean, of course I would never take advantage of a drunk girl, but what makes them so sure that I wouldn't? I feel like I always end up falling for witches, but they never even see me or take me seriously. I hate being a Muggle sometimes.

Kate: Pacey, you're looking a little emo over there. Maybe you should be taking these shots with us.

Jenna: Yeah dude, you paid for these, I feel like you should reap the benefits somehow.

Pacey: Drunk bartending is just not a skill I am too eager to acquire, but thanks for the offer.

Kate: Well, this is just a terrible business practice. You get nothing out of giving us free drinks whatsoever.

Jenna: It's okay, Pacey, after I finish these shots, I will just make out with you. That way we're even.

Pacey: Um…seriously? What?

Jenna: What? I'm kidding! Dude, relax. You don't have to make out with me.

Pacey: Oh. Yeah, okay…good. I was gonna say.

Jenna: Well, I've been enough of a tardface now. I'm gonna go to the bathroom, and then do you wanna go, Kate?

Kate: Sounds good. I'm good and drunk enough for maximum vampire enjoyment.

(Jenna burps)

Jenna: Sweet.

(Jenna exits)

Kate: Pacey, you should totally go for it.

Pacey: Go for what? I don't know what you are talking about.

Kate: Pacey. Come on.

Pacey: Come on what? I'm seriously lost here.

Kate: Pacey. Come on.

Pacey: Um…

Kate: I bet she'd be totally down.

Pacey: How did you even pick up on that? Am I that obvious?

Kate: Well, I know you aren't trying to win me over with free drinks. Don't worry, I won't tell her. Unless you want me to. Actually, I won't unless I think it is in your best interest.

Pacey: Yeah, you know what, I don't need you to play matchmaker for me. I'm a Muggle, and she's a Pureblood. No way she'd be down.

Kate: She may or may not have been considering it earlier. Hint: she was.

Pacey: No way. Jenna? Considering me? Fuck off.

Kate: Don't let society's cruel lockstep get you down, Pacey. More improbable

relationships have happened.

END SCENE

Yasi: Flo Rida, I have to ask you a question.

Flo Rida: Shoot, baby.

Yasi: Okay, I know I'm not a witch, but I do know that if you drop out of Hogwarts, you do not get to keep your wand. In fact, I remember you tell me that it was confiscated inside the Ministry of Magic. What's the deal with that Glock?

Flo Rida: Well, it's kinda complicated. I keep strapped with a piece of my old wand, but nobody 'cept my shorty knows I got it.

Yasi: How did you get it?

Flo Rida: …Shit. We gotta get into this now? I was hoping I could just have myself a sugar feast with my baby girl.

Yasi: Did you steal it? Are you going to get arrested?

Flo Rida: Baby….

Yasi: Tramar, I'm serious. Spill.

Flo Rida: Aw man, I hate it when you call me Tramar.

Yasi: Well, sometimes it's the only way I can get a straight answer out of you. Let's have it, Tramar. In English please.

Tramar (Flo Rida): Okay, well, you know how I do those overnight trips with Alex bout once a month?

Yasi: Yes. Did you two rob the Ministry?

Tramar: …Not exactly. Yasi, there is something I have to tell you. Something that nobody except Alex knows.

Yasi: The only people who have ever successfully robbed the Ministry are Harry Potter, the Death Eaters, and that Scott Speedman guy, who I'm pretty sure they made up to cover up something.

Tramar: It wasn't Scott Speedman. Well, it was. But it was also me.

Yasi: You and Scott Speedman robbed the Ministry? I don't whether to be pissed or impressed.

Tramar: It's not quite that simple. It wasn't me and Scott Speedman…what I mean to say, is, it wasn't a two person job….okay, have you noticed that every time Alex and I go away, it's at the full moon?

Yasi: I actually did notice that, I just assumed it was some kind of a tradition with you two…oh fuck. Alex is a werewolf, isn't he?

Tramar: No, Alex isn't a werewolf….I am.

Yasi: YOU'RE a werewolf!?!?

Tramar: Well, even that is not quite the truth. At the full moon, I change…but not into a wolf. I change into Scott Speedman.

Yasi: You have got to be fucking with me.

Tramar: I ain't.

Yasi: Okay, that's enough, Tramar. I need to process for a minute.

Flo Rida (Tramar): Baby, just keep throwin it back at me. I'll give you more when you want it.

Yasi: So, every month, at full moon, you change into an alleged felon?

Flo Rida: Just another reason I gotta keep it strapped, baby. Got me like a soldier.

Yasi: The next full moon is in two days. Are you going away?

Flo Rida: I can stay. Girl, you so stunnalicious, let's at least work somthin out.

Yasi: Okay. Let's go to bed, I think I've had enough for one night.

Flo Rida: Little mama, I follow you anywhere. Hot as saki, fly as feathers, that's my girl.

Yasi: Maybe when we get in bed, you can make it all up to me.

Flo Rida: Aww yea, I can make it better matter fact I'll make it wetter givin you stormy weather cause baby you hot as ever –

(Yasi kisses Flo Rida)

END SCENE


	7. Scenes 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22

Laura: Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Delonte West: Girl, if you take anymore of them clothes off, I ain't gonna be makin no more free throws, I tell you that much.

Laura: I have been missing a lot more since you took your shirt off.

END SCENE

Ian Somerhalder: Well, it looks like my roommate isn't the only one getting lucky tonight.

Misa: Oh, I know. Wait, what?

Ian Somerhalder: Your roommate and Delonte. Who did you think I was talking about?

Misa: Well, you weren't very specific. You could have been referring to any number of people.

Ian Somerhalder: Yes, I could have been.

Becca: Dude, Misa, someone is calling you on your Muggle phone.

Misa: Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. It's Sterling.

Ian Somerhalder: You have a Muggle phone? Are you Muggle-born?

Misa: Half-blood. I mostly got this to communicate with Muggle friends around here.

Becca: Sterling Ericson? Is that guy seriously still calling you?

Ian Somerhalder: Is Sterling Ericson one of your Muggle friends?

Misa: Sterling Ericson is this guy I drunkenly made out with like two years ago, and then I gave him my number and I told him to call me sometime.

Becca: He took "sometime" to mean "every five minutes from now until eternity".

Ian Somerhalder: Poor Sterling. So many Muggle guys go crazy for witches these days, it's pretty pathetic.

Misa: I don't really want to tell him to stop calling me, because I know the one time I want to make out with him again will be the one time he doesn't call.

Ian Somerhalder: You feel like that time will be anytime soon?

Misa: Not really. He can wait a little longer.

Ian Somerhalder: I guess he will just have to.

Stefan Salvatore: Oh my god, Misa, just go home with him already. I can't listen to this.

Ian Somerhalder: Why Stefan, that was quite an outburst. Very strong opinions.

Misa: It was almost like an order.

Ian Somerhalder: We have been given an edict.

Misa: You may not know this, being a freshman, but we take edicts very seriously at Hogwarts. No messing around.

Ian Somerhalder: Well, I believe we have just been given an edict to mess around.

Misa: I guess there are exceptions to every rule.

Stefan Salvatore: Are you guys serious right now?

Ian Somerhalder: I think we are bothering Stefan. Maybe we should take this someplace more private.

Misa: I have just the place.

Ian Somerhalder: After you, my lady.

(Misa and Ian Somerhalder exit)

Becca: And then there were two.

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry about that. I know Ian, he would have kept that going forever.

Becca: I'm glad you said something. I was rolling my eyes so far back, I'm pretty sure I was looking out the back of my head.

Stefan Salvatore: No shit. Well, our friends have given in to their primal desires, but I am still down to party. You in?

Becca: What did you have in mind?

Stefan Salvatore: I have some excellent goblin-brewed champagne infused with phoenix tears. It's some pretty great shit, makes you all invincible and also totally wasted.

Becca: Sounds like an awesomely problematic combination. Isn't that really illegal? Phoenix tears?

Stefan Salvatore: Totally. Who cares? It's amazing, come on, let's go.

Becca: Well, okay. I've never had goblin-brewed champagne either.

Stefan Salvatore: You wanna bring some girlfriends? I'm sure my housemates would not complain.

Becca: It's not really their scene…but I'll ask.

(Becca exits)

Becca: Hey, do you guys want to come back to Stefan's with me? He said he's got some goblin-brewed champagne and it's laced with phoenix tears, which basically gives you temporary superpowers. It sounds pretty sweet.

Jenna: Dude, I've heard that people have freaked out on phoenix tears.

Kate: Becca, they are really addictive. You should really not even touch that shit.

Becca: Okay, but, Stefan is really, really hot.

Jenna: I wonder what happens if you fuck on phoenix tears?

Becca: That is what I'm hoping to find out. Not tonight, but maybe down the road…

Kate: I think we are probably just gonna go home, but call us when you get home so we know you didn't get arrested or hex yourself into St. Mungo's.

Becca: Okay, Mom. Love you girls! I'll see you tomorrow morning for breakfast!

Jenna: We'll be the ones not sporting the freshly-fucked look.

Kate: We'll be the ones not wearing the same clothes from tonight.

Becca: Ooh, jealousy. All right, have a good night watching Muggle vampires!

(Becca exits)

Kate: What time do you close up tonight, Pacey?

Pacey: Probably in a couple hours, once all the townies and stragglers head home. Why?

Kate: Maybe you could come over and watch Muggle vampire movies with us.

Pacey: Really, Kate, I don't think those movies are my thing.

Kate: Oh, aren't they? Weren't you just telling me how much they were your thing? How much you liked them and wanted to know more about them?

Pacey: Well, I guess I was. Okay well I'll call you when I close up and see if you two are still awake.

Jenna: That is highly unlikely. But either way, we will see you soon. Probably tomorrow, in all honesty.

Kate: Call anyways. You never know, we might get a second wind.

(Kate and Jenna exit)

Pacey: Great, now I'm all nervous.

END SCENE

Alexander Skarsgard: You about ready to close up, Pacey? I think we finally got the last of the stragglers out.

Pacey: Yeah, sure dude. Let me just make a call really quick.

Kate: Oh shit, my Muggle phone is ringing. I bet it's Pacey.

Jenna: Oh man, please don't invite him over. I seriously am about to blow chunks everywhere.

Kate: Hello?

Pacey: Hey, it's Pacey…I'm just closing up at Merlin's. How are the vamp movies coming along?

Kate: Well…we got about halfway through Twilight and then Jenna got kind of sick. We both suck at anti-nausea charms, and I think she might just need to yak, to be honest.

Pacey: Is she okay? I've dealt with my fair share of drunken yakkers, I could come assess the situation if you want.

Kate: I think I can handle it for now, but thanks for asking. How about if I call you with an update in an hour or so?

Pacey: Cool. I feel bad, I shouldn't have given you guys those tequila shots.

Kate: I'm not really sure if tequila is the culprit here, she's actually running a bit of a fever. Her brother had the flu last week, so it's probably just that.

Pacey: I thought wizards and witches didn't get the flu.

Kate: I mean, they don't usually, but since Assimilation, wizards have caught stuff from Muggles in shared neighborhoods. St. Mungos doesn't do vaccinations, so those of us from magical neighborhoods are especially screwed.

Pacey: Weird. Well, I can go to a Muggle pharmacy and get some medicine if you think that might help.

Kate: Oh, you know me. I've basically got an entire Muggle pharmacy in addition to all of these magical remedies. We're fine, Pacey. Oh shit, Jenna is running to the bathroom. I'll call you back.

(Jenna vomits copiously)

Jenna: What. The. Fuck.

Kate: Did someone slip you a Puking Pastile by any chance? I have the antidote for those somewhere around here.

Jenna: No way dude, unless they combined it with Fever Fudge I think I might actually be sick. This sucks, I would never want to be a Muggle.

Kate: I bet that Stefan guy slipped you something. He is seriously shady. Maybe I should call Becca and warn her.

Jenna: I seriously doubt it. This is pretty much exactly what happened to my brother. You should stay away, you'll probably catch it from me.

Kate: I live in a Muggle neighborhood, and I'm Muggle-born. My immune system is way stronger than yours, I'll be fine. (Author's note: Sweet, sweet fantasy.)

(Jenna vomits copiously again)

Kate: Maybe I should call Clive Owen.

Jenna: Yes, that is exactly who I want to see me huddled over a toilet puking my guts out. He'll just talk down for me for drinking too much.

Kate: He might know a spell to fix it. It couldn't hurt to ask.

Jenna: Why the fuck would Clive Owen know a spell to help a Muggle flu? He knows even less about Muggles than I do. He would probably say this happened because I'm not "pureblood" enough. Fuck that.

Kate: Okay, I think that is a little bit of a stretch, but I see your point. He is not the most Muggle-savvy wizard I've ever met.

Jenna: He is Muggle-retarded.

Kate: Yeah…but it's not his fault. And he's really hot.

Jenna: Oh man, I just threw up in my mouth. Figuratively, but also literally.

Kate: Well, at least this illness is making it easier for you to express yourself.

Jenna: Do me a favor and blast some Jonas Brothers so I can at least listen to something besides the sound of bile rising in my throat.

END SCENE

Ian Somerhalder: Seriously? You've never dated at Hogwarts?

Misa: Why is that so surprising? I'm here for school, not romance. Potions has a really demanding courseload.

Ian Somerhalder: Okay, I'll remember not to take Potions. So where do you meet guys, if not at school?

Misa: Well, there are lots of hot Muggle guys that live around the village, and I dated a couple guys in high school. But I usually like to keep school and personal stuff separate.

Ian Somerhalder: Well, I think you'll soon find that I am not extremely inclined towards academia. So maybe I can remain exclusively in your "personal" file.

Misa: That sounds reasonable. What about you? Didn't you date in high school?

Ian Somerhalder: Not really. I dabbled here and there, but no girlfriends or anything. Too much drama.

Misa: Seriously. Dabbling is what it's all about.

Ian Somerhalder: That was some pretty good dabbling we did just now, if I do say so myself.

Misa: Easily in my top ten.

Ian Somerhalder: Really? That's all I get? Top ten?

Misa: Well, you aren't giving me much to work with here. To really make an accurate analysis, I'm gonna need some more sample data. It's just basic statistics.

Ian Somerhalder: Got a timeline in mind for my submittal of this data?

Misa: I mean, the sooner the better. The more information I can gather, the better your chances are of getting into the top five.

Ian Somerhalder: I guess I'd better not waste any time.

Misa: And you said you weren't academically inclined…

Ian Somerhalder: Oh, I'd say I'm pretty fucking inclined right now.

Misa: Oh my. Yes, that is quite an inclination.

(Sexytime)

END SCENE

Stefan Salvatore: Are you sure you don't want some of this champagne?

Becca: No, I know it's dumb, but I'm actually a little freaked out by phoenix tears. I'm studying to be a Healer, so I feel like I should probably not be doing tons of illegal drugs all the time, you know?

Stefan Salvatore: A Healer, huh? No shit. My dad is one of the head Healers, I could probably get you an internship at St. Mungos or something if you want.

Becca: Your dad is a head Healer? Wait, is your dad Gaston Salvatore?

Stefan Salvatore: That would be the one.

Becca: Whoa. You are Gaston Salvatore's son. Wasn't he the one who discovered the healing properties of phoenix tears?

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, how's that for irony? That's how I got the phoenix tears for this champagne, actually. We have one at that my dad used to study, Bella. Put her in front of any Disney classic, she bawls like a freaking baby. It's pretty handy.

Becca: You're giving me a lot to process here.

Stefan Salvatore: It's really not that big of a deal. If you aren't going to drink, I feel bad just drinking here with all my friends. Do you want to do something else?

Becca: No, you stay here with your friends. I should be getting home anyways.

Stefan Salvatore: I'll walk you. Don't want you running into any dementors.

Becca: Okay, our patronuses can keep each other company.

(Stefan and Becca go outside)

Stefan Salvatore: Expecto Patronum!

Becca: Expecto Patronum!

Stefan Salvatore: You would have a dog Patronus. It suits you.

Becca: Is yours a wolf or a wolverine? I can't tell.

Stefan Salvatore: He's a wolf. I think they will get along just fine.

Becca: So, if your dad is a head Healer, how come you aren't at Hogwarts with Ian Somerhalder? I would think Gaston Salvatore would have you enrolled at like birth.

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, I'm pretty sure he did. But then he left my mom and me, and I stopped caring about what he wants for me. We got the house, Bella, and plenty of money, and he gets to build his career without the burden of an overbearing family.

Becca: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I wouldn't have gushed over him like that.

Stefan Salvatore: I've thought about Assimilating and working at a Muggle job. The only problem with that scenario is, it might piss him off to the point that he stops giving me money whenever I want.

Becca: That's kind of messed up.

Stefan Salvatore: All families are messed up. Ian's is the worst, I'm sure you've met Clive Owen.

Becca: Yeah…what's wrong with Clive Owen?

Stefan Salvatore: Typical aristocratic pureblood complex. Ian's mom married a Muggle-born, and Clive's dad and their parents totally flipped a shit. Drama ensued.

Becca: Whoa, is Clive Owen really bloodline fixated? He does a really good job hiding it.

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, that's the politics. You know his dad, Barty Owen, was anti-Assimilation? He's way more conservative than the Daily Prophet would have you believe.

Becca: What a bunch of a-holes. I can't believe I voted for him and he was anti-Assimilation!

Stefan Salvatore: That's of the main reasons I want to Assimilate in Hogsmeade. I'm friends with Ian, so Barty and Gaston would absolutely shit themselves. It's a very appealing consequence.

Becca: Okay, I think that's all the earth-shattering news I can take for one night. Let's talk whimsy.

Stefan Salvatore: Whimsy it is. Have you ever tried fermented Mandrake Drought? I'm gonna have some pretty soon, I've heard it makes you have the craziest dreams ever…

(Stefan and Becca exit)

END SCENE

Kate: Well, Jenna is fast asleep on the bathroom floor. I guess I should call Pacey now and give him an update.

Pacey: Hello?

Kate: Hey, Pacey, just wanted to let you know that Jenna is asleep now. I think she yakked it all out of her system.

Pacey: Do you want me to come over and keep you company, or anything?

Kate: Nah, I'm just gonna move her into her bed really quickly and then go to sleep myself. We've got class tomorrow, Charms first thing in the morning.

Pacey: Right, well, I'd ask if you need help moving her, but I'm guessing you are just going to do it with magic.

Kate: That is correct. Pacey, you're a good guy. Go get some sleep and I'll be sure to bring Jenna by the bar tomorrow if she's feeling better.

Pacey: Okay, don't hesitate to call if you need anything. Talk to you later.

Kate: Locomotor Jenna.

(Jenna moves to the bed)

Kate: Hmm. Locomotor trashcan, just to be safe. It seems like Pacey actually likes Jenna, which is really cute. I just hope she maintains interest in this one. She doesn't really understand Muggles, but I know that she has wanted to know a lot more about them, even before Assimilation. It's funny, Jenna never said much about Pacey over the last couple of years. I guess she thinks he's cuter now that he got hit in the face with that Josh Hartnett lookalike spell. He has looked rather different since then…I've definitely noticed some other girls checking him out. And Reid was too, now that I think about it. Hey, maybe I should get hit in the face with a Josh Hartnett lookalike spell…

END SCENE


	8. Scenes 23, 24, 25

Yasi: There's gonna be a full moon tomorrow, weird. I can't believe that Flo Rida is gonna shapeshift into Scott Speedman. My boyfriend will be one of the Ministry's Most Wanted for a whole night. How did I seriously never know about this?

Alexander Skarsgard: Morning, Yasi. So I heard Flo Rida dropped the bomb on you last night.

Yasi: Yeah, well, he also saved me from a pack of dementors, so I figured I owed it to him to at least hear him out. So my boyfriend is the notorious felon Scott Speedman. I can't really say I saw that one coming.

Alexander Skarsgard: He's a good guy, even when he turns into Scott. It's really just a physical transformation, because he takes Wolfsbane potion.

Yasi: You know, it's always been kind of a fantasy of mine to get with a really bad boy…kind of like Scott Speedman. I hope he's hot.

Alexander Skarsgard: I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Okay, I'm off to work. I'll see you later tonight, Yasi.

Yasi: I'll make sure Flo Rida is awake before I leave, I know you guys were kind of swamped last night. Maybe I'll come in tonight and help out front at the bar.

Alexander Skarsgard: That would be great, actually, it's the first day of classes today so everyone is gonna be getting as much alcohol in as they can. I'm pretty much already at my limit of snobby Hogwarts kids for the year, so I won't be much help out front unless somebody needs to get tossed.

(He leaves)

Yasi: Alex doesn't know that I know, but Flo Rida told me that he is a Squib. Everyone thinks he hates Hogwarts kids because they have more money than him, but it's actually because they can do magic and he can't. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be born a Squib in a wizarding family, it's hard enough being a Muggle in an Assimilated place like Hogsmeade. I wonder if Squibs can see dementors?

Flo Rida: Shit, what time is it? Too early. I ain't never seen nothing this early that'll make me go.

Yasi: Really? Nothing?

Flo Rida: Nothing except that coke bottle frame, baby girl. Ain't nothing more beautiful to found.

Yasi: I told Alex that I might come in Merlin's later tonight to help out. You should probably head over there pretty soon.

Flo Rida: Not a problem, I know where it goes.

Yasi: Okay baby, I'm going to work. I'll text you inappropriately on my breaks.

Flo Rida: You throw it back at me, I'll give ya more. Love you girl.

Yasi: Get out of bed! Love you too!

(Yasi exits)

Flo Rida: Ooh, gotta check in the mirror before I head off to work. Damn Flo Rida, you lookin good today. I'm the man, I bend the rubber bands. Gotta get my jewelry on like whoa and then I'll be flyer than a motherfuckin pelican, shit. All right, it's time to get paid that maximum wage.

END SCENE

Nicole: Hi, I'm Nicole, the new Herbology professor at Hogwarts. I just finished a post-grad fellowship at the Ecuadorian Ministry of Magic, teaching young witches and wizards about the positive effects of Assimilation on the global environment. You know, with just a little Muggle-Wizard cooperation, we can seriously reduce the impact of Muggle technologies on the ozone layer. I'm also involved in the development of Organic Floo Powder, that uses less energy and dramatically reduces the wizarding carbon footprint. I sure hope my students are as enthusiastic about Herbology as I am!

(Dawson, Joey, Ian Somerhalder, Abi, Delonte West, and the rest of the class enter)

Joey: Sweet, our professor is a hippie! I should have worn my hemp robes so she knows I'm a kindred spirit.

Ian Somerhalder: Sweet, our professor is hot! I should have come naked so she'll do me.

Dawson: Sweet Jesus, Ian Somerhalder is hot.

Delonte West: Shiit, whats all these damn plants doin in here? Can't nobody need so much plants unless they is smoking them, what the fuck man.

Abi: My first college course! This is so exciting. Whoa, who is that hot ginger standing in the corner tending to the plants?

Nicole: Hello class, my name is Professor Nicole. I have a last name, but it is both impossible to pronounce and spell, so we can forego it for now. This gentleman is Ron Weasley, he will be our TA this semester while you learn about magical plants and their properties.

Abi: Well, hello Ron Weasley.

Nicole: I'm new at Hogwarts this year, just like you, so it might take me a few tries to learn your names. The main goal of this course is to teach you about natural resources in the wizarding world, and how we can use these natural resources to further our understanding of the environment, and reduce our impact on its depletion. As wizards and witches, we have been given a great gift that we can use to the benefit of our planet. Ron, can you start the projector please?

Abi: Ron, you can start my projector any day.

Delonte West: What the fuck is this bitch talkin bout?

Nicole: These are some slides depicting Muggles in rural Ecuador who have recently been Assimilated. By teaching them about simple magical herbs and plants such as Brilloweed and the antitoxin dittany, these Muggles learned how to create highly efficient, low-emission water purifying systems. We are going to create miniature models of these purifiers today, and use them to purify this tank of lake water, which will in turn be used in the greenhouse.

Ian Somerhalder: And then we can all sit in a drum circle and sing Kumbaya.

Joey: Wow, what a cool project!

Delonte West: I ain't touchin no Brilloweed shit. That thug with a wand who bounced me outta my hood didn't tell me nothin about any fuckin Brillo pad plants. I can get that shit from my mama's dishwasher. Ain't nothin magical bout no Brillo pads.

Nicole: Okay, students, if you want to come over to Ron's table, he can give you your materials. The instructions for infusing the Brilloweed with dittany should be on page 14 of your books.

Abi: Hey Ron, I'm Abi. Can I get some Brilloweed?

Ron Weasley: Um, sure. Here you go.

Abi: This is sage scrub.

Ron Weasley: Isn't it the same thing?

Abi: Well, no, it's not. Brilloweed is gray and wiry, and sage scrub is green and not wiry.

Ron Weasley: Whoops. I'll go get some from the greenhouse. It's a desert plant, right?

Abi: Actually, it's a marsh plant…you know what, I'll just come with you.

Ron Weasley: Okay, sorry guys, I'll be right back with the Brilloweed.

Ian Somerhalder: I think I'll swipe some of this dittany for my medicine cabinet, it's a really great hangover cure.

Joey: Um, so is ginger, and it's a natural remedy. Dittany can really mess you up in high doses.

Ian Somerhalder: You don't have to lecture me. My buddy got hooked on concentrated dittany and he lost like a third of his body weight.

Dawson: That doesn't sound too bad. Maybe I should take some for my love handles.

Ian Somerhalder: I can hook you up.

Joey: No! Dawson, you don't have love handles. Don't be stupid.

Abi: Okay, see this wet gray stuff? This is Brilloweed. You can tell because all that nasty marshweed has piled on top of it, because Brilloweed filters swamp water.

Ron Weasley: How do you know so much about this stuff, anyways?

Abi: I couldn't sleep last night, so got a head start on my reading for this class. How come you don't know about this stuff? Aren't you supposed to be a Teaching Assistant?

Ron Weasley: Yeah…I never really paid attention in Herbology, to be honest. We had a really weird professor with this huge mole in the middle of her forehead, and it was really distracting. I was hoping to be Defense Against the Dark Arts TA, but Professor Schuster said he didn't need one.

Abi: Professor Schuster? What's he like?

Ron Weasley: Well, Schue is a pretty good guy. He really enjoys turning his lessons into musical productions, complete with dance steps. You should see him get down with a boggart, it's pretty amazing.

Abi: Sounds great! I love musicals.

Ron Weasley: Yeah, I thought it was a little weird at first, but it's pretty darn easy to find a boggart funny when Don't Stop Believing is being harmonized around you.

Abi: Well, maybe I could help you learn about Herbology a little so you could do your Assisting job more effectively.

Ron Weasley: That's just sad. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be the one tutoring you guys.

Abi: I won't tell a soul.

Ron Weasley: I just might take you up on that. I'll have a crack at the book tonight and see if I don't learn anything useful.

Nicole: Oh, here's the Brilloweed. Thanks Ron! Would you mind taking all this sage scrub back into the greenhouse? I'm not really sure what it's doing out here, someone must have left it from another class.

Ron Weasley: Yeah, I was wondering how all this sage scrub got here. Let me just finish passing out the lab materials and I'll get right on it.

Nicole: Thanks so much Ron, you are so helpful!

Ron Weasley: Oh no. Now she thinks I'm smart and helpful, thanks a lot Abi. That's not going to last.

Abi: You just need a little back-to-basics refresher. I am really great at studying, I can totally help you.

Ron Weasley: All right guys, here is your Brilloweed. Don't worry about it being wet, that's just because it's been in the marshland section of the greenhouse.

Joey: So Ron, does Professor Nicole totally grow pot back there? I bet she does.

Ron Weasley: Umm…I don't think I'm the right person to ask that…

Ian Somerhalder: You think if we planted any back there, she would notice?

Ron Weasley: Uh, here's some Brilloweed. Don't forget the dittany.

END SCENE

Laura: That Potions class sucked. We totally should have taken the Animal Potions class.

Misa: Laura, we learned how to counteract the Drought of Living Death. That is way more useful than learning how to brew dragon shampoo.

Laura: But definitely not more useful than learning how to brew hippogriff hoof polish. Do we have Love Potions next?

Misa: No, we have Defense Against the Dark Arts. Love Potions is after lunch. Can you imagine the consequences if we did Love Potions right before lunch? The roofie potential would be endless.

Laura: Ooh, is this the class we have with Kate, Jenna, and Becca?

Misa: I don't know if Jenna will be there, I heard she was really sick last night.

(Jenna, Kate, and Becca enter)

Misa: Jenna, are you okay? I heard you were sick.

Laura: We just learned how to counteract the Drought of Living Death!

Kate: Caffeine?

Laura: Basically. Want me to whip you up some?

Jenna: Thanks, Laura, I'm okay. I'm feeling mostly better, I think I just needed to throw up a lot.

Misa: Oh, I have totally perfected the post-drinking puke. If you take three drops of water and add powdered gurdyroot and swallow it, it makes your throat totally numb and everything just comes up. Very effective.

Kate: Well, I guess that's one perk of being a Potions major.

Becca: We just learned about intravenous gurdyroot transfusions in my Healing class, they are really good for treating kidney failure.

Kate: Like dialysis?

Jenna: What's dialysis?

Kate: Muggle thing. Hey, where's Professor Schue? He should be here by now.

Misa: Probably warming up for his grand entrance. I heard he starting tap dancing over the summer.

Laura: Maybe I'll join the Glee Club this year.

Kate: We should all join! I'll try out with the theme song from Law and Order.

Laura: I bet if we did a shout out to N*Sync, Kiwi would totally let us join.

Misa: Oh my god, I would love it so much if you two were in Glee Club.

Becca: You know, I really don't think I would.

Misa: Well, me either, but it would be so funny!

Laura: What exactly are you getting at?

Jenna: I have to listen to enough boy band music just living with Kate. Glee Club is the last thing that she needs to be doing, trust me.

Kate: Says the girl who made me blast Jonas Brothers all night so she wouldn't have to listen to the sound of her own barfing.

Jenna: Don't act like you didn't love it.

Misa: Yeah, how exactly is that unusual?

Becca: Uh oh, I hear music. I think Professor Schue is coming.

(Mr. Schue enters)

Mr. Schue: This here's a tale for all the fellas  
Try to do what those ladies tell us  
Get shot down cause you're over zealous  
Play hard to get and females get jealous  
Ok smartie, go to a party  
Girls are standing in the crowd and showing body  
A chick walks by you wish you could sex her  
But you're standin on the wall like you was Pointdexter  
A girl starts walkin, guys start gawkin'  
Sits down next to you and starts talkin'  
Says she wanna dance cus she likes the groove  
So what you gonna do? Just bust a move!

(Song and dance number ensues)

Mr. Schue: Okay, seriously guys. Today we are going to learn about defensive combat spells.

Kate: So Misa, Laura, we still have not heard about your conquests last night.

Laura: Oh man, I think I am in love with Delonte. The man knows how to dunk it, what can I say?

Becca: Ew! Dunk what?

Laura: Well, a basketball…for starters.

Becca: Oh god. Thanks for that lovely visual, Laura.

Jenna: Did you bone?

Laura: No, we didn't. But strip basketball did get very heated, and we made out a lot.

Jenna: Damnit. Misa, did you bone?

Misa: Oh, you know I did. Ian Somerhalder is GREAT in bed, I seriously could have had sex with him all day. I don't really know why I'm not having sex with him right now, actually. Oh yeah, class.

Kate: Do you think it's gonna happen again?

Misa: I think so, he seemed pretty into it. He spent the night and we got coffee this morning.

Laura: Yeah, and they got me coffee too! I totally needed it, I spent the night passed out on the basketball court. It's weird, when we fell asleep, I was the little spoon, but when I woke up, I was the big spoon.

Becca: That doesn't surprise me. Delonte seems like he'd be a closeted little spoon.

Misa: Ian Somerhalder isn't much of a spooner, but he's all about the post-coital cuddle. Oh man, he is so hot. Seriously, why am I not having sex with him right now?

Kate: Class. Would you really have wanted to miss that lovely performance by Professor Schue?

Misa: Good point. Come to think of it, Professor Schue is pretty hot too.

Laura: I've been trying to tell you that for months, Misa. Especially when he sings George Michael.

Jenna: I'm sorry you guys, but there is no way he's not gay.

Reid: Who's not gay?

Misa: REID!! Where were you?

Reid: I had to wake Delonte up and have a meeting with our coach, Filch found him passed out naked in the gymnasium. Laura, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

Laura: He was definitely not naked when I left him.

Reid: No, I think that may have been a practical joke on Filch's part.

Kate: Reid, I really could have used your company last night. Jenna was sick, and I was very, very lonely.

Reid: What, Clive Owen wasn't around?

Kate: Jenna wouldn't let me call him.

Becca: Oh Kate, I have to tell you, I heard some pretty disturbing news from Stefan last night. Apparently, Clive Owen's dad was a staunch opponent of Assimilation. You should be careful.

Kate: I don't believe that. You're the one that should be careful, Becca, that Stefan guy gives off such a bad vibe. I heard he deals meth.

Jenna: What's meth?

Reid: Okay, but you know what's really weird? That cook at Merlin's totally went off on me last night for no reason.

Laura: I've heard he is kind of crazy.

Misa: But also kind of hot. What did he do?

Reid: He kept yelling at me for pissing behind Merlin's, and he kept calling me "stuck-up", and it was really weird, like I had personally offended him or something. I've never even talked to him before.

Jenna: I heard that his parents wouldn't pay for him to go to Hogwarts, so he had to work at Merlin's instead. He's kind of a dick.

Reid: That doesn't make sense, because Hogwarts has like unlimited financial aid. Half the kids here are on scholarship.

Kate: I'm on scholarship. My parents don't have any wizarding money, and the exchange rate is totally shitty right now.

Misa: Yeah, I got one of those minority scholarships without even asking.

Becca: How? Who in your family is a minority?

Misa: Are you kidding me, Becca?

Becca: Sorry, I always forget.

Reid: I tried to introduce myself, but he was like "I know who you are, Mr. Team Captain". It was kind of awkward.

Jenna: Maybe he wants to bone.

Reid: I seriously doubt it. He is way frigid, and I'm pretty sure he hates me.

Jenna: Reid, think about it. First of all, everyone and their mom wants to bone you. Second of all, he knows your name and basically everything about you, so he's obviously been stalking you. Third of all, he saw you peeing, so he probably saw your penis.

Misa: Lucky bastard.

Kate: Reid, how do you always get so lucky? Alexander Skarsgard is seriously fine.

Reid: Is that his name? I don't even know him. I've seen him like twice before last night, he never comes out of the kitchen at Merlin's.

Kate: Pacey introduced me to him a while back. He really does not like me, but Pacey said he doesn't like anyone, so I shouldn't take it personally. And then I found out he's gay, so I took it even less personally.

Misa: Why are the hot ones always gay?

Becca: I have been wondering that for years. I'll let you know if I ever figure it out.

Jenna: Case closed. He wants on.

Reid: I think you girls are projecting your sexual frustrations onto him. You seriously need to get boyfriends, I can't be your object of desire all the time.

Kate: Well, Misa and Laura are well on their way.

Reid: Oh, that's right. Laura, try to keep Delonte from getting kicked out of Hogwarts too early, okay? At least on game nights.

Laura: I just can't promise anything, Reid. Delonte is a force to be reckoned with.

END SCENE


	9. Scenes 26, 27

Clive Owen: I can't believe my cousin brought that degenerate loser with him to Hogsmeade. What is he thinking? I have got to find out what Stefan is up to.

(Clive Owen knocks on Stefan Salvatore's door)

Stefan Salvatore: I was wondering when you would be paying me a visit. Want to come in? Can I get you a drink?

Clive Owen: Yeah, very funny Stefan. Look, I know you aren't enrolled at Hogwarts. What are you even doing here?

Stefan Salvatore: I'm Assimilating, dude. Thinking about taking a Muggle job.

Clive Owen: Oh please, I'm not that stupid. Look, my dad expects me to look out for Ian and make sure he does well at Hogwarts, and he's not gonna do well if he gets expelled for selling drugs.

Stefan Salvatore: Clive, man, Ian won't get expelled. I really did just come here to Assimilate and hang with Ian. He's my best friend, and I am not trying to stay in fucking Thrushcross Grove for the rest of my life, believe me. Especially after my mom died.

Clive Owen: Whoa. I had no idea, I'm so sorry. How's your dad taking it?

Stefan Salvatore: You know my dad, Clive. He doesn't care. All he cares about is his career. I bet if she had some interesting illness, he would have used it to further his career, but she just had cancer. He doesn't care about Muggle-related illnesses.

Clive Owen: Yeah, well, I do know what that's like. You've met my dad.

Stefan Salvatore: I don't need your pity, man. I'm doing just fine. It's nice of you to stop by and throw your weight around under the guise of protecting Ian, but you really have nothing to worry about. I don't even know if I'll stay long here, I just wanted to get a fresh start somewhere new and keep a low profile.

Clive Owen: Well…I'm sorry, man. I know I've been a dick. Let me know if you need anything. Does Ian know about your mom?

Stefan Salvatore: He knows. He was there. I'm sure your dad knows too, Ian's mom will have told him.

Clive Owen: Well, he hasn't said anything to me. But I guess that's not surprising.

Stefan Salvatore: Not especially.

Clive Owen: Well, this is all pretty messed up. I don't really know what else to say.

Stefan Salvatore: It's okay, man. Why don't you come in, I'll actually get you a drink.

Clive Owen: Okay, that might be good.

Stefan Salvatore: You want a butterbeer? I've got Muggle beer, too.

Clive Owen: I guess I'll have a butterbeer. Thanks, Stefan.

(Ian Somerhalder enters)

Ian Somerhalder: Whoa. What the hell are you doing here?

Clive Owen: I'm just talking to Stefan. Dude, why didn't you tell me that his mom died? I feel like an idiot, I could have at least sent flowers or something.

Ian Somerhalder: I told your dad, I just figured he would tell you. You seriously didn't know?

Clive Owen: No! I didn't know! And now I feel like a huge asshole because I've been on your case so much, and I didn't even know that Stefan was coming here with you. I can't believe that Barty didn't tell me.

Ian Somerhalder: Well, you have been a huge asshole. It would have been nice if you had stuck up for me at all instead of railing on me from the moment I got here.

Clive Owen: I swear, my dad didn't say anything to me except that he thought I should be tough on you so that you didn't screw up at Hogwarts.

Ian Somerhalder: That figures. Your dad is a total asshat.

Clive Owen: I'm sure he had his reasons. He's dealing with a lot right now, with all the Assimilation problems and everything. He's really stressed.

Ian Somerhalder: Dude, Assimilation happened like five years ago. He wasn't even Junior Minister then.

Clive Owen: He has a lot on his plate, okay? I'm sure he didn't mean anything by not telling me.

Stefan Salvatore: Here's your butterbeer, Clive. Oh, hey bro. What are you doing here? Ditching class?

Ian Somerhalder: Nah, I have a free period. I actually wanted to ask how it went with you and that girl last night.

Clive Owen: Okay, I don't need to hear about this. Thanks for the drink, Stefan. I'll see you guys later.

(Clive Owen exits)

Stefan Salvatore: Free period my ass.

Ian Somerhalder: Yeah, I'm totally ditching. Potions, who the fuck needs it?

Stefan Salvatore: Well I didn't get with that girl last night, if that's what you're asking. She was pretty cute though. We just hung out.

Ian Somerhalder: Yeah? You think you'll be "hanging out" with her again?

Stefan Salvatore: What is this, middle school? Yeah, it's a small town, I'll probably see her around. What about you? You must have scored last night.

Ian Somerhalder: And this morning.

Stefan Salvatore: Fuck off, man. I don't know how you do it.

Ian Somerhalder: She's a total brain, too. Got up early this morning to study for class. I got her number though, I'll probably call her again.

Stefan Salvatore: Dude, if she's a brain you might want to tone down the bullshit with her. She seemed pretty with it last night.

Ian Somerhalder: You know, I didn't even use any lines on her. I think my chiseled features worked their magic all by themselves.

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, right. She probably got up to study so she didn't have to look at your ugly ass in the morning.

Ian Somerhalder: I bought her coffee before she went to class. It gave me an opportunity to work a little more of my famous charm on her.

Stefan Salvatore: You son of a bitch. That poor girl is not gonna know what hit her.

Ian Somerhalder: Yep, I'm pretty sure I've already got her pining for me.

END SCENE

Misa: Dude, I seriously can't stop thinking about Professor Schue now. He is seriously hot!

Kate: Really, Misa. Two hours ago you would not shut up about Ian Somerhalder.

Misa: Yeah, he's cool too, but I really don't think he can sing Jesse McCartney like Professor Schue can. And there's something very appealing about an older man.

Jenna: Misa, you are absolutely not allowed to start monopolizing every hot guy in this school. Please for the love of god, give the rest of us a fighting chance.

Misa: Don't worry, I plan on sleeping with Ian Somerhalder at least four more times before I move on. Pacey has been looking pretty cute too..why are you looking at me like that, Kate?

Kate: Huh? I'm not looking at you weird.

Misa: Oh, I thought you were giving me devil eyes for a second there.

Kate: I mean, I can't imagine why I would be giving you devil eyes.

Jenna: Did Pacey ever call last night?

Kate: You don't remember? He called right before you starting puking. He asked about you, and he wanted me to call him back and give him updates on how you were doing. It was super cute.

Misa: Ahh, got it. That is super cute! Jenna, you should totally get with Pacey.

Jenna: Me? Really? Pacey? I don't know, you guys.

Kate: Jenna, you were totally all about Pacey last night.

Jenna: Kate, you were all about me and Pacey, I was mildly interested, if that. He's a Muggle. It kind of weirds me out.

Misa: Oh Jenna, Muggles are surprisingly good in bed. I mean, they try so much harder than wizards because they can't use magic, and it's all very animalistic. I like it.

Jenna: I don't know if that sounds good or scary.

Kate: I'm the only person here who's never actually slept with a wizard, but I've hooked up with them, and all of my experiences indicate the two are very comparable.

Misa: Why don't we just go to Merlin's tonight, no pressure, and you can talk to him and assess the situation. And I can hook up with Ian Somerhalder again.

Kate: Do we really have time to go to Merlin's tonight? I've got a bunch of Charms homework, and History of Magic.

Misa: Speak for yourself, I've got hardly any. Just some reading for Potions, but that will take me an hour tops.

Jenna: Yeah, I'm not planning on doing my History of Magic reading. I'd be down to go to Merlin's tonight, Misa. Might as well blow off steam for as long as I can, until the work starts piling up.

Misa: Kate probably just wants to stay in so she can catch Clive Owen making his presidential rounds.

Kate: Shut up! Okay, maybe, but I genuinely want to know how he's doing. He looked so stressed the other day.

Jenna: Gag me.

Misa: Do you guys think Professor Schue frequents Merlin's? What if Schue and Ian Somerhalder both went there tonight? How would I ever decide?

Jenna: Probably Ian Somerhalder, since Profe Schue is defskis playing for the other team. Story of my life.

Misa: It's all about catching them at a weak moment. Merlin's is probably ideal for such moments.

Kate: Damnit, why can't Clive Owen have a weak moment?

Misa: Because Clive Owen doesn't go to Merlin's. He is too busy being better than everyone else at everything.

Jenna: Fuck Clive Owen.

Kate: Dude, I'm working on it.

Jenna: Okay, I'll make you a deal. If you get with Clive Owen, I'll get with Pacey.

Kate: Maybe you should get with Pacey first. I feel like that has a lot more potential.

Jenna: No can do. I will abstain until Clive Owen puts his penis in you. Or at least until you two play a little tonsil hockey.

Misa: Ooh, I like this game. What do I get to do if Clive Owen puts his penis in you?

Jenna: You get to bone Ian Somerhalder.

Misa: Sweet! Wait, can I bone him in the meantime?

Jenna: Of course. But won't it be so much sweeter once you know his cousin is boning Kate at the same time?

Misa: Not gonna lie, it's pretty damn sweet already.

Kate: Jenna, I'm just warning you, you are setting yourself up for a seriously long period of celibacy.

Jenna: How ever will I adjust?

(Clive Owen enters) (The room, not Kate) ( )

Clive Owen: Hey girls, how was your first day of classes?

Kate: Oh god.

Jenna: You've GOT to be kidding me.

Clive Owen: Did I miss something?

Misa: Always, Clive. Our classes were good, much more interesting than last year. Have you ever had Professor John Kabashima? He is my Love Potions professor.

Clive Owen: Love Potions? Really? I had him for Magical Insects and Invertebrates. He must have a very broad specialty.

Jenna: Yeah, I think he also does a seminar on Muggle reality TV shows.

Clive Owen: Aren't Muggles coming out with some kind of magical dating show?

Misa: Ooh, yes I am so excited for Love Spells! Rita Skeeter is producing it. And Antonio Bandaras is hosting.

Kate: Rita Skeeter and Antonio Bandaras, together at last.

Clive Owen: It seems like we shouldn't be encouraging witches and wizards to date Muggles, though.

Misa: Um, are you serious? That's pretty Mugglephobic of you.

Clive Owen: No, that's not what I meant. I just think we should try a little harder to preserve the bloodlines. Mixed couples don't always produce magical children.

Kate: Who cares if your children are Muggles or wizards? Especially if they are Assimilated, anyone would love their kids no matter what.

Clive Owen: Look, I know its not PC to talk about bloodline preservation and Muggle exclusion, I'm just saying, there's a reason we kept our existence a secret for so long, and it is probably the only reason the magical bloodlines survived as long as they did. I'm a History of Magic major, this is what I am writing my thesis about.

Kate: Well, that's a shame that you feel that way, because my Muggle parents had a witch for a daughter and a Muggle for a boy, and they love us both equally.

Misa: Yeah, Antonio Bandaras has a wizard brother. That's why he wanted to host the show.

Jenna: Wasn't Antonio Bandaras in one of those Muggle vampire movies?

Kate: Yeah, he is just all over the place these days. I just saw a trailer for this other reality TV show called "My Antonio", he's not actually in it but I think it is based on him.

Misa: How can a TV show be based on Antonio Bandaras?

Jenna: Maybe it is based on vampires. Or Antonio Bandaras as a vampire, real or fictional. Preferably fictional, real vampires are kind of freaky.

Misa: Yeah, remember when Professor Schue brought that vamp in for show and tell? That guy was such a creepster. He kind of reminded me of Sterling Ericson.

Kate: Dude, me too. I definitely much prefer the vampires of the Muggle world. They are much sexier and way less likely to eat you, most of the time.

Clive Owen: Muggles have vampires?

Kate: Muggles have films, books, and TV shows about all kinds of magical subjects. Vampires, witchcraft, dragons, werewolves, all that good stuff. For the most part they are way off, as anyone who has ever seen "Big Wolf On Campus" would immediately realize.

Clive Owen: Wait, but they aren't real vampires, right? Or werewolves? I thought Muggles couldn't manifest themselves as magical creatures.

Kate: No, of course not. There is nothing magical about it.

Jenna: Um, Taylor Lautner shirtless is nothing BUT magical.

Misa: Hey Clive, any idea what Ian Somerhalder is doing tonight?

Clive Owen: Hopefully homework, but I think that may be a bit optimistic. Honestly, he'll probably be hanging around Merlin's with his friend Stefan Salvatore.

Misa: Ooh, Jenna, we should grab Becca and head down there.

Jenna: All right, let me just get into a onesie right quick.

(Jenna exits)

Misa: Kate, are you sure you don't want to come out tonight?

Kate: No, I think I will just stay in and take it easy, thanks though.

Misa: I might come by your room for wardrobe consultation later. Bye, guys!

(Misa exits)

Clive Owen: So, you have a lot of homework tonight? That's rough.

Kate: Oh, not really. I kind of feel like cooking tonight, actually. There's a Muggle kitchen in the Gryffindor dungeons that I use sometimes.

Clive Owen: You cook Muggle food? Whoa. Why don't you just do it the normal way?

Kate: Well, it is normal for me. It's relaxing. You should try it sometime, maybe step outside your pureblood box for a second.

Clive Owen: I'm really not Mugglephobic, I promise. My family is just really weird about bloodlines, and I guess it rubbed off on me a bit.

Kate: Well, you are definitely not Muggle-savvy either. Why don't you come and cook with me? Honestly, I have found that doing it the Muggle way helps a lot with my cooking spells, because your wand remembers what your hands did with the ingredients.

Clive Owen: Well…yeah, okay, I'll cook with you. Do you want me to bring anything? Dessert, maybe?

Kate: Oh no, I will be baking dessert the Muggle way as well. You just leave the Mugglephobia at home and I'll take care of everything else.

Clive Owen: All right, I think I can deal with that. When do you think you will be cooking?

Kate: Probably in a couple hours, I have to help Misa with her wardrobe consultation and get some homework out of the way.

Clive Owen: Well, I guess I will see you in the dungeons.

Kate: I guess you will.

(Kate exits)

Clive Owen: I can't believe she thinks I am Mugglephobic. I'm totally not! Just because I don't think we should do everything with Muggles doesn't mean I don't think they should have rights, or be protected under wizarding law. Everything was so much easier when Muggles and wizards were kept separate. Now people act like you are a war criminal if you suggest that maybe things worked better separate!

END SCENE


	10. Scenes 28, 29

Yasi: I am so excited! I'm helping out at Merlin's tonight, at the bar. Ever since I moved to Hogsmeade with Flo Rida I have really missed my friends from my old Muggle neighborhood. Hopefully tonight I will be able to make some girlfriends, I can only take so much of dudes, dudes, dudes all the time!

Pacey: Thanks for helping out tonight, Yasi. I worked pretty late last night, and I'm kinda wiped out in general, so I might need to head out early.

Yasi: That's not quite what I've been hearing from the guys. But its okay, Pacey. Don't sweat it. You go get some.

Pacey: Huh? What did they tell you?

Yasi: That you have your eye on some junior witch from Hogwarts. She had food poisoning, or the flu, and you were concerned, and her other friend is also your friend and is trying to set you up, and you are nervous about how to proceed because she is a witch and she's pureblood –

Pacey: Alex, did you tell her my entire life story or what?

Alexander Skarsgard: Pretty much.

Yasi: It's okay, Pacey, Alex has his eye on a Hogwarts student too. A senior athlete, no less. It's all very clandestine.

Alexander Skarsgard: Yeah, right. I could give two shits about those self-entitled pricks.

Pacey: Hey man, if that's your story…

(Flo Rida enters)

Flo Rida: Whoo baby! Could you be a bird? Cause damn but you gotta be fly.

Yasi: Hey baby. Are you still taking off early tonight?

Flo Rida: Yeah, I'm gonna be takin it off like Nair, jumping like Nike Air.

Yasi: Thanks for doing that, I just really want to have some girl time tonight.

Pacey: I would not mind having some girl time myself tonight.

Yasi: Yeah, Pacey, I really don't think we mean the same thing by "girl time".

Flo Rida: It's the dream…I ain't never seen my baby get that loose, but maybe tonight ya'll will party all night like you flyin Jet Blue.

Yasi: Seriously, I want to know, what on earth about Jet Blue is conducive to partying all night? Or any plane, for that matter? Where do you come up with this stuff?

Flo Rida: Fuck if I know. I'm so high, I'm feeling like a goddamn astronaut.

Pacey: Well, that is really good to know. Don't try to deep fry the firewhisky again, okay?

Alexander Skarsgard: It was a really cool explosion, you have to admit.

Pacey: Yeah it was really cool when I had to get four fingers reattached at St. Mungo's too. Flo Rida, why don't you stock the freezer for now. Keep away from all things flammable.

Flo Rida: I got you, Pacey. Gotta stack the ice and get the stacks, so my babygirl can get some ice up on her wrist.

Pacey: Exactly.

Yasi: One thing I will say about Flo Rida, is that he has excellent taste in jewelry. He finds the most beautiful and elegant pieces, lots of antiques. My coworkers at Marc Jacobs are always complimenting my jewelry nowadays.

Alexander Skarsgard: Yasi, have I mentioned how lovely that necklace is that you are wearing? The pendant is so intricate, is it an heirloom?

Yasi: Oh Alex, you are so sweet to notice! It's not an heirloom, actually, it's an antique Victorian necklace that Flo Rida got me for our 2 year anniversary. We found it at a vintage shop in Paris.

Alexander Skarsgard: Very glam. I don't understand how you get gorgeous jewelry from Flo Rida, and I get my eyebrows shaved off in the middle of the night.

Pacey: Yeah, he got me women's sunglasses for my last birthday. They have leopard print frames.

Yasi: Ooh, I remember those! They somehow remind me of a toddler and a grandmother at the same time.

Alexander Skarsgard: They sound kind of cute, actually, in a kitschy way.

Pacey: Alex, I never would have pegged you for a leopard print kind of guy. Oh, watch out, here comes the Hogwarts basketball crew. Is that Laura riding on Delonte's back?

(Basketball crew enters)

Laura: Giddy up! We have come to drink all your whiskey and pillage from your townsfolk! Arrrgg!

Pacey: Are you a cowboy or a pirate?

Laura: Both. Delonte, let me down. I feel like a baby koala.

Delonte West: Pacey, my boy, how you doin today? Gettin that drink on tonight with us?

Pacey: Well, probably not, seeing as I tend bar here. Things don't run as smoothly if I am smashed.

Yasi: But maybe you can kick back a little tonight, Pacey! Hi, I'm Yasi, I am helping Pacey tend bar tonight. Whiskey, was it?

Laura: Yasi, you are very beautiful. The only thing that would make you more beautiful is if you were holding two whiskey shots and maybe a couple corgi puppies. Or a beagle. Seriously though, it's very nice to meet you.

Yasi: Want some ice cream with your whiskey? It's a great chaser, my friend from Marc Jacobs taught me about it.

Laura: That sounds amazing. Cookie dough ice cream?

Yasi: Well, sure. We can do cookie dough ice cream.

Laura: I knew I liked you. Wait, hold up, did you say Marc Jacobs? As in the Muggle fashion designer? You work for him?

Yasi: Well, I work at a store, but we have a showroom in the back, so I get to see a lot of up-and-coming designs. It's pretty exciting.

Laura: You have got to meet my friend Misa. She is highly, highly fashionable. I have my moments, but now is obviously not one of them, as I'm sure you can tell by this Star Wars t-shirt.

Yasi: Honestly, I think it's pretty cool. You never see much clothing around Hogsmeade that's clearly from Muggle origins. I have felt pretty out of place since we moved here.

Laura: Dude, I know what you mean. It is SO obvious who grew up in mixed neighborhoods and who didn't around here. Misa actually didn't, but she somehow retained a natural sense of fashion. This girl in my dorm wore a poncho with a fedora and yoga pants this morning. It was not to be believed.

Delonte West: Reid, get on over here. Come meet this fine young thang my girl's chattin up.

Reid: Um, Delonte, I don't really think she's my type…

Alexander Skarsgard: Hey Yasi, here's that soup you wanted. I salted the rim of the bowl for you.

Reid: Whoa, hey Alexander.

Alexander Skarsgard: Careful with that beer, Reid. I've heard it can go right through you, and the next thing you know, you are pissing on a wall.

Reid: I guess I'd better try and soak it up with some food.

Alexander Skarsgard: Oh, please. As if you eat, with that body of yours.

Reid: What? I eat.

Alexander Skarsgard: Right. Well, I'll make you a grilled cheese sandwich then. That's what's on the burner right now, take it or leave it.

Reid: I guess I'll take it.

(Alexander Skarsgard exits)

Reid: Okay, Laura, did you notice that? I can't tell if he is hitting on me or insulting me.

Yasi: I may be able to shed some light on this subject for you, Reid. You see, Alex feels intensely bitter and angry towards all Hogwarts students because he was unable to go there, but at the same time, he wishes that he were one of you guys. And yeah, I think he probably is hitting on you.

Reid: Interesting. He is pretty hot, but I don't know if I want to deal with all that drama.

Yasi: Alex is a great guy, and the drama is not so dramatic once you get to know him. I basically live with him, so I've seen it all. He's got that kind of broody thing going on, but he actually has a really great sense of humor. And the man can cook. This soup he made me is amazing.

Reid: How intriguing…

END SCENE

Misa: So then he went off and started talking like a total Mugglephobe. He was all, "oh, I don't think we should be encouraging Muggles and wizards to date".

Becca: Dude, that is what I was trying to tell you guys yesterday! Clive Owen's entire family is all about that puritanical bullshit.

Kate: Yeah, exactly, it's his family, not him. He said it himself, he's not prejudiced, just his family rubbed off on him a little bit.

Jenna: That is retarded. My family is just as pureblood as his, and I don't have any anti-Muggle tendencies.

Kate: So does that mean you'll be going for it with Pacey tonight?

Jenna: Okay, Kate, I think you know me well enough to know that me stalling over Pacey has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that he is not a wizard. So don't even try that one.

Misa: I hate to say it, but I think it might not just be his family. Ian Somerhalder is his family, don't forget, and I've never heard him say anything about Muggles.

Becca: That's because he is not exactly pureblood himself. I think it's supposed to be on the DL though, so shhh!

Kate: What? He's not?

Becca: No, not on his dad's side. Muggle-born. So he's not exactly half-blood, but he's not exactly pureblood either. As I understand, it was the main cause of all their family drama.

Kate: Okay, so imagine being Clive Owen and growing up in that kind of oppressive household. That would be really tough. I really think he is trying, you guys, he's going to cook with me tonight.

Misa: That is pretty cute. You guys have a date! What are you going to make?

Kate: I was thinking pierogies with broccoli and mushrooms, lamb chops, and chocolate pumpkin bread for dessert. You know, comfort food.

Becca: I like how you think lamb chops are comfort food.

Jenna: Oh man, you are making pierogies? Will you make some extra for me? I will totally need them tomorrow for hangover food.

Kate: I was already planning on it. Oh, and I'm gonna do it the Muggle way. No wands allowed.

Jenna: Ooh, so you're gonna be down in the dungeons? That is very romantic…

Kate: Well, here's hoping. Either that, or it will be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable.

Misa: Oh man, I should totally take Ian Somerhalder down to the dungeons one of these days. We can have a romantic date of our own.

Becca: Ew. I think the dungeons are super creepy. They just make me think of the Chamber of Secrets and that weird basilisk.

Misa: Ian Somerhalder's basilisk can make its way into my Chamber of Secrets anyti-

Beeca: I KNEW you were going to say that!! Well, now that image is seared forever into my brain. Thanks a lot.

Jenna: Should we head down to Merlin's and get a jump on this basilisk slaying?

Misa: Yes, yes we should. Otherwise I will lose out on time that I could be spending hooking up Ian Somerhalder.

Becca: Good luck on your date, Kate!

Kate: Thanks guys, see you later! Let me know if you see Laura at Merlin's, I haven't seen her since this afternoon.

(Misa, Jenna, and Becca exit)

Kate: I am getting hungry…I guess I'd better head down to the dungeons. I hope Clive Owen doesn't think I am a terrible cook. Crap, what he has an aversion to pumpkin or lamb or something? I probably should have checked with him first. Maybe I should bring a backup meal plan just in case. I could do chicken…most people like chicken. Okay, backup is chicken pot pie. And salad. Or maybe pasta. Shit, I'd better just get down there.

(Kate exits)

END SCENE


	11. Scenes 30, 31, 32

Clive Owen: I am actually kind of excited to learn how to cook, the Muggle way. If my parents knew about this, they would not be pleased. Oh well, I'm pretty pissed at my dad for not telling me that Stefan's mom died. I am starting to realize just how messed up my family is. Hopefully, after this, Kate won't think I am Mugglephobic.

(Clive Owen enters the dungeon)

Kate: Hey, Clive! I haven't actually started yet because I didn't want to make anything that you don't like or can't eat.

Clive Owen: Oh, thanks. You know, I am not too crazy about seafood, but everything else is great. I'm a guy, you know. Food is food.

Kate: Okay, well I don't really know anything about seafood so that works out very well. I'm gonna make pierogies, lamb chops, and pumpkin bread for dessert.

Clive Owen: Okay, I've had pumpkin juice, but I've never had pumpkin bread. And I have absolutely no idea what pierogies are.

Kate: They are Russian. They are like pot stickers, kind of. Or ravioli.

Clive Owen: Uh…

Kate: Okay, don't worry about it. They are good. I can't believe you've never had pot stickers! Don't wizards eat Chinese food?

Clive Owen: I guess Chinese wizards probably do. And Russian wizards probably eat those pierogies or whatever.

Kate: Right. Okay well, you can help me with the pumpkin bread, just follow the instructions on the box. I've already laid out all the ingredients for you.

Clive Owen: Sounds good. Oh, wait, how do you break an egg without magic?

Kate: You have seriously got to be kidding me. Haven't you done that in Potions?

Clive Owen: Yeah, I was supposed to, but I couldn't figure it out. Can't I just use magic?

Kate: No. You can figure it out. It is very intuitive, don't worry.

Clive Owen: So, how long have you been doing this Muggle baking stuff?

Kate: Well, pretty much since I was a kid. I'm Muggle-born, so naturally I didn't even find out about magic and stuff until I was 11 years old. And by then I had already learned how to cook and make my bed and clean my room without magic, so I just kind of stuck with it.

Clive Owen: But don't you think it is easier to use magic?

Kate: Not really. I feel like sometimes a wand is just one more tool that I have to worry about using properly. To be honest, I'm not a very good witch, and my wandwork is especially bad. I just prefer doing a lot of things the old-fashioned way.

Clive Owen: You're not a bad witch. We had Potions together last year, and Charms, you always did really well.

Kate: I'm not too bad in class, when I'm totally focused and everyone around me is doing the same thing. But when I'm taken by surprise, or really busy with stuff, it seems like too much trouble to use magic. I don't have to think about cooking, it just kind of happens.

Clive Owen: What was it like when you found out you were a witch? What did your parents say?

Kate: Well, they knew something was up with me, because I was always accidentally doing weird stuff like making plants grow really fast, or making my little brother break out in a rash if I was mad at him. But once we got the news, everything made a lot more sense. They were pretty excited, actually. And then a few years later, during Assimilation, they were able to tell all their friends and share the news, so I think that helped a lot.

Clive Owen: Do you live in an Assimilated neighborhood?

Kate: Kind of. We have a couple wizards and witches in our neighborhood, but they had always lived there. We just never knew about them. So it's not Assimilated in the sense that many families have moved there in the last couple years, because no one has moved in or our of my neighborhood for at least a decade, but it's not exclusively magical or Muggle.

Clive Owen: I live in a wizards-only enclave. Muggles can't even see the entrance to our gated community. I haven't met very many Muggles, to be honest. My family is not that crazy about the open lifestyle the wizarding community has embraced as of late.

Kate: Yeah, I kind of gathered that. Well, that's probably because they don't know very many Muggles, like you said. People tend to feel more comfortable sticking to what they know. That's probably why I find magic to be kind of a bother sometimes, because it's not what I was raised to do.

Clive Owen: But you came to Hogwarts University after wizarding high school. Why would you do that unless you wanted a magical career?

Kate: It's really important to my family that I get a degree, and I want to have one as well, just in case my career doesn't pan out the way I want it to. I really want to train horses, and teach horseback riding lessons, for both Muggles and wizards. Working with horses and animals, it's incredibly useful to know magic, but you can't always use it to get results.

Clive Owen: That's even true of magical animals. We hardly ever use our wands in Care of Magical Creatures, and I'm pretty sure the professor at my high school was a Squib.

Kate: What do you want to do? I guess being a senior, it's pretty stressful to even think about.

Clive Owen: Well…not really, to be honest. My dad is Junior Minister, as you know, so it would be really easy for me to get a job at the Ministry. I think I might want to go into Magical Law, and he could set me up with just about anything in that department.

Kate: Oh.

Clive Owen: But hey, maybe after this, I will open up a Muggle bakery. This pumpkin bread is looking pretty damn good.

Kate: Considering the amount of eggshell in it, it does look pretty good.

Clive Owen: Well, you wouldn't show me how to do it! I didn't know what else to do except crush the egg in my hand, and that's when all that shell fell in.

Kate: I'm sure it will taste just fine. Here, our dinner is ready, let's sit. The oven will beep when the bread is done.

(They sit)

END SCENE

Yasi: Working at Merlin's tonight was such a good idea! I met so many cool girls tonight. I think I will make a habit of coming to Merlin's so I can hang out with Misa, Jenna, Laura, and Becca.

Misa: Yasi, I'm gonna give you my Muggle phone number. It will be really nice to have someone calling it besides Sterling Ericson.

Yasi: That is so funny that you know Sterling. He used to live with us before Alex moved in. He is SO weird. He was totally terrified of Flo Rida, it was really funny.

Misa: Okay, but didn't you say he used to bring home tons of girls all the time?

Yasi: Yeah, we never really understood it. To their credit, they very seldom returned.

Jenna: Yasi, you are the first Muggle girl I have hung out with, did you know that? It is pretty cool. Hey, do you watch Muggle TV shows? I am totally obsessed with them.

Yasi: Oh yeah? Which ones? I'm pretty into Grey's Anatomy, 90210, and anything else on the CW. Oh and HBO, I'm totally into True Blood.

Jenna: Dude, me too! Are you totally shitting yourself over that season finale?

Yasi: Totally! Oh man, the worst though was Vampire Diaries. I can't believe they left us on a freaking cliffhanger like that.

Becca: I KNOW RIGHT it's driving me absolutely crazy. I am counting down the days until it comes back on.

Misa: Damon looks kind of like Ian Somerhalder. Whoa, that just made him even hotter. Who knew that was possible? Oh my god, here he comes. Becca, he's with his friend. Yasi, you are about to watch the magic happen.

(Ian Somerhalder and Stefan Salvatore enter)

Yasi: Holy shit Misa, you were not exaggerating!

Misa: Don't I know it.

Ian Somerhalder: Hey there, can I buy you a drink?

Misa: Well, if it isn't Ian Somerhalder. I see you are already trying to get me drunk.

Ian Somerhalder: Yep, that is exactly my intention. I won't lie to you.

Misa: I respect that.

Ian Somerhalder: You wanna come outside with me for a minute?

Misa: Well, let me think…okay. We can do that.

Stefan Salvatore: Hey Becca, how's it going?

Becca: I had a lab today where we used phoenix tears, and I took all these notes on their use, and a lot of it was about your dad. It was pretty crazy, after last night.

Stefan Salvatore: No kidding? That is weird. I guess the stars are aligned for you and me.

Yasi (to camera): Oh man, that was a bad line.

Becca: Um, yeah…I think it's just a funny coincidence.

Stefan Salvatore: Sorry, that was kind of lame. I get a little nervous talking to pretty girls sometimes.

Yasi (to camera): Good lord. Did this guy just memorize Fired Up?

Becca: It's okay Stefan, you can relax. I'm just trying to have a good time tonight. You want a butterbeer?

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, that sounds perfect. Pacey, we'll have two butterbeers.

Pacey: Coming right up.

Jenna: Oh Pacey, can I get one too?

Pacey: Sure. Oh, hey Jenna! How are you feeling? Sorry I couldn't make it to your vampire movie marathon last night.

Jenna: It's okay man, you didn't miss much except for some stunning digestive acrobatics.

Pacey: Now there's a way to get a guy's attention. Very sexy.

Jenna: Well, that is my only mission in life.

Pacey: Yeah? You got your eye on anyone right now?

Jenna: Maybe. We'll see how it pans out. I'll take some more liquid courage, please.

Pacey: All right, make sure you pace yourself tonight. Don't want to have a repeat of last night or I'll probably have to carry you home.

Jenna: Well, that wouldn't be the end of the world, would it? I'm not very heavy.

Pacey: No. No, it wouldn't.

Yasi (to camera): The poster children for subtlety.

END SCENE

Kate: Well, I gotta say, even with these bits of eggshell, you made some pretty decent pumpkin bread.

Clive Owen: It tastes really good, right? I think the eggshell gives it a little something extra. Maybe it's my secret recipe.

Kate: Maybe. You know, food that you make yourself always tastes better. It's like a sweet little victory every time.

Clive Owen: That makes total sense. At home, we have a cook who makes all our food, and then here we've got the dining hall, so I never really got a chance to learn how to cook. It really makes a difference.

Kate: Yeah, that's probably why we each ate like five pierogies.

Clive Owen: Five? Please. I had seven.

Kate: Crap, are there any left for Jenna?

Clive Owen: Yeah, I left her about one and a half. Sorry, they were so good! I couldn't stop myself. I might have to travel to Russia soon just to have more.

Kate: Well, good thing you have me, so that won't be necessary.

Clive Owen: Good thing.

(Long, tension-filled silence)

Clive Owen: Kate –

Kate: I think I'd better start washing the dishes. Oh sorry, were you going to say something?

Clive Owen: Oh, no, I was just going to say the same thing. You want to wash them by hand or with magic?

Kate: I think I'll do it by hand, the warm water is really relaxing and nice. You can use magic if you want, though.

Clive Owen: No, I'll help you do it without magic. I've never washed dishes before.

Kate: Okay well, this sink is really small, so how about I wash and you can dry them. There's a towel right there.

Clive Owen: Sounds good.

(Dishwashing commences)

Kate: See? Not using magic isn't so bad.

Clive Owen: No, it's really not that different. Oh, um, you have some soap bubbles in your hair.

Kate: Shut up! I'm totally terrified of bubbles. Get them out!

Clive Owen: What? Bubbles?

Kate: I really don't like them on me, or any place they are not supposed to be. Get them out get them out!

Clive Owen: Okay, okay, bubbles are gone. Maybe I should do the washing.

Kate: Yeah, that might be a better idea. Here's the sponge. Oh, wow, your hands are cold.

Clive Owen: Yeah, I have kind of poor circulation. It runs in my family. One of the drawbacks of being purebred is that all those annoying recessive traits don't get bred out.

Kate: That's very Russian royal family of you.

Clive Owen: Actually, you are not too far off. My grandparents are second cousins.

Kate: Holy crap. Do you have webbed feet or anything?

Clive Owen: Every day I count my fingers to make sure I don't have any extras.

Kate: Well, I hope for your sake none of your second cousins are looking to marry you.

Clive Owen: Me too, believe me. It's not that uncommon in pureblood families, which is kind of twisted if you think about it.

Kate: That is totally disgusting. Aren't you all about preserving the bloodlines though?

Clive Owen: I mean, I think we should keep trying to produce magical offspring, but I don't think inbreeding is a good way of achieving that. Actually, studies show that a lot of inbreeding in pureblood families tends to create Squibs, like a birth defect.

Kate: You know, this is all sounding very similar to horse breeding. It's creeping me out a little bit.

Clive Owen: I agree, let's move on to a topic other than inbreeding.

Kate: So, on the subject of normal breeding, does your family have somebody picked out for you? Or do you get to choose your own spouse?

Clive Owen: Yeah, very funny, actually my parents do have someone in mind for me but it's not for real. I can marry whomever I want. They would probably have a shitfit if I didn't marry a pureblood, but I'm not so sure I care about that.

Kate: Who do your parents have in mind for you?

Clive Owen: Quinn Fabray. She's a senior.

Kate: Oh, I know who Quinn Fabray is. Isn't she president of the celibacy club?

Clive Owen: Yeah, that would be the one. She's cute and all, but she's really not my type. Plus I know for a fact she is not a virgin, so the whole celibacy club this is a total façade.

Kate: Wow. The secret lives of pureblood families. This is all very Gossip Girl.

Clive Owen: I don't know what that means, but yeah, it is.

Kate: So…your parents would totally disown you if you dated a girl who wasn't pureblood?

Clive Owen: No, I don't think they would disown me. My dad's sister married a Muggle-born guy, and she didn't get totally disowned. She got written out of the family trust, but she's still invited for Christmas and stuff.

Kate: Right. So you probably would not want to date a Muggle-born girl, then.

Clive Owen: Why? You know any girls that are interested?

Kate: No, I'm just saying. You know, hypothetically.

Clive Owen: Well, hypothetically, I would be open to dating a half-blood or Muggle-born girl. Or a pureblood girl. Hell, maybe even a Muggle girl. Who knows? If any of them can cook like you, I would definitely not be wasting my time.

Kate: I'm really glad we did this together. It was fun.

Clive Owen: Yeah. Me too. We should do it again sometime.

Kate: I would like that.

Clive Owen: It's pretty cool down here, in the dungeons. Feels like we are the only people in the castle.

Kate: Yeah, that's why I like it down here. It feels so removed from everything else, it's like a little vacation.

Clive Owen: Totally. I could see myself just hanging out here to do homework. I didn't even know we had this Muggle kitchen. And these armchairs are awesome.

Kate: Can you keep a secret?

Clive Owen: Yes…

Kate: This is actually the Room of Requirement. I don't think many people know about it, because it's almost always a kitchen for me. This is the first time it's had the couches, though. And this rug. And the candles, actually.

("Sexual Healing" starts playing in the background)

Clive Owen: Whoa. Where did that music come from?

Kate: Um, I don't know. Weird. This room is a little strange sometimes.

Clive Owen: But doesn't it just give you whatever you want?

Kate: Well, I think it gives you whatever you need or really strongly desire, not just like arbitrary wants.

Clive Owen: Huh. Whatever you desire.

Kate: It's a smart room.

Clive Owen: I'll say.

Kate: So…you know how you asked me if I knew any girls who were interested in you?

Clive Owen: Sure.

Kate: Well, as it turns out, I did have someone in mind.

Clive Owen: You've been holding out on me.

Kate: You have no idea.

Clive Owen: Look, Kate…I do like you. I think you are a cool girl. But I know that this room isn't letting me think clearly, and as much as I want to do this, I don't think it's a good idea.

Kate: Oh…okay.

Clive Owen: Yeah…sorry. I guess I should probably go. Thanks for dinner. We really should do it again sometime.

(Clive Owen exits)

Clive Owen: What the hell is wrong with me? God, Clive, you are such an idiot. Now she will probably never talk to me again. Maybe I should just go back in there. Shit. I shouldn't have left. Fuck.

Kate: This is the worst feeling in the entire world. Maybe I will just live down here in the dungeons.

Clive Owen: Well, now I'll definitely never get with her. God, that was a bad move. What's the big deal? I like her, and she likes me. Who cares if she's Muggle born? Didn't I just tell her that I don't care what my parents think?

Kate: He thinks I'm ugly, or fat. He probably is so grossed out by me. I can't believe I ever thought Clive Owen would go for me.

Clive Owen: Shit. Shit. Shit. I don't know what to do.

Kate: I need to get out of here. I'm going to go get in my bed and never come out.

(Kate exits the Room of Requirement)

Clive Owen: Kate, wait –

Kate: No, it's okay. I really just want to be alone right now. You don't need to explain anything to me.

Clive Owen: Kate, please, that was really dumb of me to walk out like that. I'm just kind of overwhelmed right now, I need some time to think. I really like you. I really liked cooking with you, and I don't want you to be mad at me.

Kate: I can't listen to this right now. I'm sorry. Good night.

(Kate exits)

Clive Owen: Well, I am a fucking idiot.

END SCENE


	12. Scenes 33, 34, 35

Joey: So Abi, how cool was Professor Nicole? I think I will ask her to be my major adviser, I'm pretty much obsessed with her.

Abi: Yeah, she's pretty cool. I really liked our TA though, that Ron Weasley guy. He was so hot.

Dawson: He did have that kind of awkward-with-good-bone-structure thing going on. I could see it.

Abi: I know, right? Just awkward enough to be cute, but not too awkward to function. How old are TAs anyways?

Joey: I think they are grad students, so like early 20s I guess. You should totally go for it! Then we can both have boyfriends and go on double dates and stuff.

Abi: Yeah, I don't know about that.

Joey: Oh, this is so exciting! I'm gonna get us another round.

Dawson: So, you and Ron Weasley, huh?

Abi: Hey, unless you want him.

Dawson: What? Me? No way, I mean, he's a dude.

Abi: Well spotted. Relax man, I was just kidding. Besides, you have a girlfriend.

Dawson: Yeah, that too.

Abi: Oh, crap, I just realized something.

Dawson: About me?

Abi: Uh, no. Not about you. But what if Ron Weasley has a girlfriend? Or likes dudes? I should probably find that stuff out first before I make a play for him.

Dawson: Considering he was definitely staring at your boobs the entire time you were measuring the dittany, I'd say he is probably straight.

Abi: Yeah, but it doesn't mean he is single. Not all guys are like you, Dawson. Although it is seriously impressive how you never check out other girls. Joey is really lucky.

Dawson: Well, it's not like I never check out other girls.

Abi: No, I've actually been noticing that you never do.

Dawson: I check out other girls all the time. I mean, I can't help it.

Abi: It's okay to be whipped by your girlfriend, Dawson. I think it's sweet.

Dawson: Well…thanks.

Joey: Are you guys talking about me?

Abi: Yeah, I was just saying how cute I think it is that Dawson only has eyes for you.

Joey: I know, he's never looked at other girls much. Sometimes I think I'm just his beard!

Dawson: That's just crazy.

Joey: Just kidding! Here's your butterbeer, baby.

Dawson: Oh, speak of the devil, Abi. There's your boyfriend.

(Ron Weasley enters)

Abi: Ron! Over here!

Ron Weasley: Hey, guys. Wow, I am like the oldest person in this bar right now. Weird.

Abi: Don't the other grad students come here?

Ron Weasley: Yeah, but most of my friends are getting slammed with work right now. I don't have a very full schedule, just a Ministry internship and my TA job, of course.

Abi: Well if you want to keep your job as a TA, we should probably get to studying Herbology sometime.

Ron Weasley: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. Professor Nicole was asking me all these questions about my specialty and my interests in Herbology and I just made a whole bunch of shit up…I basically told her I'm primarily interested in Extremely Dangerous plants and that I am considering doing my dissertation on Toxic Weeds of the Third World.

Abi: Way to pick the two most challenging subjects ever. When was the last time you even handled Extremely Dangerous plants?

Ron Weasley: Well, I guess it was senior year of wizarding high school. I got my O.W.L. in Herbology and everything; I'm not completely hopeless.

Abi: Well, it says on our syllabus that we have a Venomous Tentacula lab in two weeks. You are going to have to bring bushels of that stuff out of the greenhouse.

Ron Weasley: That stuff will kill me!! This sucks, I picked Herbology because I thought it would be the least likely subject to cause me any harm. What a bunch of crap.

Joey: Everyone thinks that Herbology is a pansy subject, but it's totally not. A lot of magical plants are more dangerous than Dark Wizards.

Dawson: Uh oh. I don't think that last firewhiskey agreed with me too well. I think I'm gonna head back to campus.

Ron Weasley: Dude, I've totally been there.

Joey: I'll come with you, Dawson. Don't want to leave you defenseless if you run across any dementors.

Dawson: I really think I'll be fine. I'm sure I could cast a Patronus if I really needed to.

Joey: Well, I sure hope so, because I'm not very good at them either. Come on, let's go.

(Joey and Dawson exit)

Abi: Two Patronus-retarded freshmen wandering around in the village…probably not the best idea. Do you think I should go with them?

Ron Weasley: Nah, they'll be fine. I've never been very good at casting Patronus charms either. Never needed one actually, I've always managed to outrun them.

Abi: All right, if you say so. So when do you want to study? We should probably get started soon, since you have dug yourself into this giant academic hole with our professor.

Ron Weasley: Well, how about tomorrow? I finish my internship at 3; we could get together before dinner.

Abi: Yeah, I could do that. So I'll see you tomorrow?

Ron Weasley: I can't believe I'm getting tutored by a freshman. This is beyond pathetic.

END SCENE

Ian Somerhalder: Come on, Misa, let's just go back to your room again. This place is tired.

Misa: I know, we will soon! Relax. I want to hang out here for a little longer and then we can go and do whatever you want, I promise.

Ian Somerhalder: Okay, but you said that like an hour ago.

Misa: Fine, let me just say goodbye to people.

(Misa exits)

Stefan Salvatore: Is everything okay?

Ian Somerhalder: Yeah, I am just being clingy and psychotic. She doesn't want to leave, and I just want to get her alone.

Stefan Salvatore: These college girls, man. I think Becca might suspect that I'm high right now. She keeps looking at me weird.

Ian Somerhalder: Dude, we are a couple of studs. How come we are letting these girls run us around like this?

Stefan Salvatore: We were studs in Thrushcross Grove, Ian. I think Hogsmeade will realize our stud potential soon enough. Probably around the same time that you stop acting like a teenage girl around Misa.

Ian Somerhalder: I can't tell if she wants me to chase her or if she really just isn't obsessed with me. I'm kind of thinking the latter because she gets all pissy every time I want to leave.

Stefan Salvatore: I guess she's just not as whipped over your ass as you thought she was. Who cares? There's tons of hot girls here. I just sold to this super hot senior girl named Quinn Fabray, I bet she'd totally get on your nuts.

Ian Somerhalder: Yeah…I guess. Where is Misa? She was just talking to Reid and now I can't see her.

Stefan Salvatore: You suck. I'm gonna go talk to Becca.

Ian Somerhalder: I do suck. Goddamnit.

END SCENE

Becca: Hey Misa! Over here. Where's your boy toy?

Misa: Ugh, he's being really annoying tonight. I mean, I know I'm great in the sack, but come on. He's going all Sterling Ericson on me.

Becca: So you ditched him? That's kinda cold.

Misa: No, I just want him to make some friends so he's not always attached to me. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's basically the hottest person I've ever seen and I'm going to continue having sex with him for as long as possible. Obvi.

Becca: That's weird, he doesn't really seem like the clingy type.

Misa: I know, right? But that's what I said about Sterling Ericson. Anyways, I just want to drink a little bit more and then I will go home with him. Don't want to keep him waiting for too long.

Becca: I think Stefan is high, or drunk or something. He was acting really weird earlier and I just saw him go into the bathroom with Quinn Fabray. I wonder if they were hooking up.

Misa: Ew! She's such a skank, I can't stand that girl. She better not come anywhere near Ian Somerhalder or I will hex her face off.

Becca: Oh, here comes Stefan. Okay tell me if he is acting weird or if I am just crazy.

Stefan Salvatore: Ladies, ladies. Misa, my charming friend Ian is looking for you. I'd give him about ten minutes to stop acting like a whiny emo kid before you go looking for him.

Misa: I was thinking more like twenty.

Stefan Salvatore: Well, after the first ten minutes you run the risk of him meeting another girl. Ten minutes is his sulking period, after that he becomes dangerously social.

Misa: Ooh, good to know. Ten minutes it is. Boys sure are complicated.

Becca: So, Stefan, I saw you met Quinn Fabray.

Stefan Salvatore: Who? Oh, that senior chick. Yeah she is a bitch, she totally tried to blow me in the bathroom in exchange for weed. As if.

Becca: So you sold weed to her?

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, you want some? I'll give a discount for a cutie like you.

Becca: Um, I'm okay. I don't really smoke much.

Stefan Salvatore: You drink though, right? Can I get you another butterbeer?

Becca: I'm like halfway done with this one, Stefan. I'm not trying to get shitfaced tonight.

Stefan Salvatore: Why not? The only point of going out is to get totally fucked up. Shit, I'm rolling on like five different things right now.

Becca: Seriously? That's kind of dangerous.

Misa: I'm gonna go over there and say hi to Jenna…

(Misa exits)

Stefan Salvatore: Damn, Becca, I am just trying to be nice. You don't have to look at me like that.

Becca: Well, I just think you are being kind of reckless. I guess I didn't realize you were so into drugs.

Stefan Salvatore: I'm not! I swear, I don't even do that much drugs. I just drink and smoke pot a lot, and some other stuff, but it's all under control. I can still function.

Becca: Like what other stuff? Phoenix tears? Unicorn blood?

Stefan Salvatore: Yeah, no one really does Unicorn blood anymore. A few too many side effects. Look, don't worry about it. Weren't you the one who wanted to relax and have a good time? Let's just throw back a couple butterbeers and talk whimsy again.

Becca: Yeah, I don't know. You seem pretty drunk already.

Stefan Salvatore: Why do you even care about this? You sure as hell didn't mind last night.

Becca: I guess I didn't realize you got this fucked up every night.

Stefan Salvatore: Well, I didn't realize it was any of your damn business. Excuse me, I'm gonna go find that Quinn girl and take her up on her offer.

(Stefan Salvatore exits)

Becca: What an asshole! I can't believe I actually liked that guy. Maybe Kate was right about him, he's a total sketchball.

Jenna: Hey Becca, is everything okay? What was that all about?

Becca: I don't know, he was high or drunk or both and acting like a total douche. Whatever. Where's Misa?

Jenna: She went to go rescue Ian Somerhalder from Delonte West. He was using him to demonstrate basketball fouls to some first years.

Becca: That doesn't sound too out of character. Where's Laura?

Jenna: She left a little while ago. Dude, look at those gross Muggle girls totally flirting with Pacey. Are they even old enough to be in here?

Becca: Jealous much? I'm sure he'd rather be talking to you.

Jenna: I was thinking of inviting him to that Hogwarts Harvest party this weekend. I don't think he's ever been on campus.

Becca: That is such a good idea. Go ask him!

Jenna: Well…okay, I think I will. Wish me luck!

Becca: Yeah, I'm probably just gonna head back to the castle if that's okay. I have that internship at St. Mungos tomorrow morning.

Jenna: All right, I'll see you in Defense Against the Dark Arts.

(Becca exits)

Pacey: God, these girls are annoying. Where the hell is Jenna? I really need to talk to someone who has more than five brain cells for a minute or I'm gonna punch something.

Annoying Muggle Girl #1: OMG, Pacey, is your cousin seriously a wizard? Like, he can fly on a broomstick and stuff? That's soooooooooo rad.

Annoying Muggle Girl #2: Hey slut, you totally borrowed my necklace without asking.

Annoying Muggle Girl #1: Well you totally stole my Ed Hardy trucker hat, whore.

Annoying Muggle Girl #3: Pacey, can your wizard cousin like teach us how to do magic? I could totally get a job at that tattoo parlor if I could magically draw tattoos on people.

Annoying Muggle Girl #2: Oh could you totally draw a dolphin on my lower back? I've always wanted a tattoo.

Annoying Muggle Girl #1: Shut up, bitch! That is exactly the tattoo I want! No way you are stealing it from me.

Jenna: Hey, Pacey. Any chance I could squeeze another butterbeer out of you?

Pacey: For using a sentence that didn't have the word "totally" in it, I'll give it to you free. Please don't leave me alone with those lunatic girls.

Jenna: I was wondering if you needed rescuing. Never fear, all my friends abandoned me so I came to solicit your company.

Pacey: Well, I'm sorry you got ditched, but I'm glad you're here. How's your night going?

Jenna: Pretty decent. Hey I was wondering, have you ever been to Hogwarts campus before?

Pacey: I've seen around the grounds, but I've never been inside. Why?

Jenna: Well, there is a big on campus party next weekend called the Hogwarts Harvest and students are allowed to bring guests. I was wondering if you wanted to check it out.

Pacey: That would be awesome, actually. I'd love to.

Annoying Muggle Girl #3: Omigod you guys, that girl just totally asked Pacey out. Can you say desperate? She totally like threw herself at him.

Annoying Muggle Girl #2: What a slut. She totally knew he was into me.

Annoying Muggle Girl #1: In your dreams, bitch. He was totally checking me out the whole time, not you. Come on, let's go back to the apartment and continue that Jersey Shore marathon.

(Annoying Muggle Girls exit)

Pacey: Oh thank god. I was seriously about to pull a Wayne Brady and choke a bitch.

Jenna: Your Muggle humor is lost on me, I'm afraid.

Pacey: Sorry about that. So when should I meet you this weekend?

Jenna: The Harvest dance starts at 9PM on Friday. Could someone take over the bar for you?

Pacey: Yeah, I'm sure Yasi or Alexander could. Anyways it's not like we will get that busy if everyone is on campus. Wait, did you say dance?

Jenna: Yeah, it's kind of a dance. Do you have dress robes?

Pacey: Um, I have a bathrobe. I don't think you want me to show up in that though.

Jenna: Well, just wear something nice. It's really not that big a deal, tons of people don't have dress robes.

Pacey: Should I get some? Is it gonna be really weird if I just wear like slacks?

Jenna: Oh…no, it will be fine. Don't worry about it. I'll see you tomorrow or Friday, depending on how busy I am.

Pacey: Cool. Thanks for inviting me, and for scaring off those crazy girls. I'll see you soon.

Jenna: Yes, yes you will. Bye, Yasi!

(Jenna exits)

Yasi: Damnit, I was totally about to challenge one of those girls to a fight! I hope they come back next time I'm here.

Pacey: That's actually not a bad idea. Maybe we should have a jello wrestling night…

END SCENE


	13. Scenes 36, 37, 38, 39, 40

Reid: Jesus Christ, Delonte is going crazy tonight. He totally blew Laura off, then he tried to practice fouls on random passerby, and now he's throwing up in the bathroom. I guess I should wait for him and then give him a piece of my mind…he needs to get his act together, we've got games coming up!

(Alexander Skarsgard enters)

Alexander Skarsgard: Oh man, I was just in the bathroom and some guy with a mysterious ethnicity ran in and puked everywhere. That was definitely something I could have lived without seeing.

Reid: Yeah, sorry, that's my new shooting guard. I'm gonna rail on him pretty hard tomorrow in practice, don't worry.

Alexander Skarsgard: Tch. Jocks.

Reid: Alright man, I gotta ask. What is your deal?

Alexander Skarsgard: My "deal"? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Reid: Well, you're always either dissing me or making me sandwiches. It's like you swallowed both my parents.

Alexander Skarsgard: What about your deal? You are always either pissing on my bar or asking me dumb questions about living with Muggles.

Reid: I can't help but notice you are avoiding the question. Also, our bodies are getting very close together.

Alexander Skarsgard: I can see your rippling pectoral muscles straining under that thin jersey. You think you are just so great, Hogwarts kid.

Reid: I'm backed against a wall. Are you trying to fight me or something?

Alexander Skarsgard: I am going to get very close to your face now and put my hands on either side of your head, forcing you into my captivating gaze. Why do you even care what my deal is?

Reid: Because…I don't know.

Alexander Skarsgard: You know, I've been serving you sandwiches and fries for the last four years, and you have never said a damn thing to me. You're a shitty tipper too.

Reid: Well, obviously I did not know what I was missing. Good thing I've now discovered what a pleasure it is to interact with you.

Alexander Skarsgard: Why are you whispering?

Reid: Because your face is about two inches away from my face.

Alexander Skarsgard: I'd ask if you want me to back up, but judging from the way you just shoved your groin against mine, I'm guessing you like me right where I am.

Reid: I'd ask if you actually hated me, but judging from the tension in your arms and the way you keep looking at my mouth, I'm guessing you want me.

Alexander Skarsgard: Well, at least we finally understand each other.

Reid: Alexan-

(Passionate makeout session, with lots of butt grabbing)

Reid (panting heavily): What was that?

Alexander Skarsgard: Do you want me to stop?

Reid: God, no.

Alexander Skarsgard: You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this.

Reid: Hey man, I am in no way stopping you. Get back over here so I can continue to run my fingers through your tousled golden locks.

Alexander Skarsgard: You taste like butterbeer. That's kinda hot.

(Omnomnomnomnom)

END SCENE

Joey: Fuck, Dawson. It's really cold out here. Shouldn't we be back at the castle by now?

Dawson: Yeah, well, I wasn't the one who wanted to take the scenic route. This forest is creepy. Oh thank god, I can see the castle.

Joey: What's that floating thing in front of it?

Dawson: Shit! That's a dementor!

Joey: I'm pretty sure that's like ten dementors. Fuck, Dawson, you need to summon a goddamn Patronus!

Dawson: Shit, I'm trying…Expect Patronus…Excepto Patromun….

Joey: DAWSON you are not trying hard enough!! They are on top of us! Happy thought! Happy thought!

Dawson: Umm Expect A Patronum…Accepto Pandorum…

Joey: Oh dear god. EXPECTO PATRONUM!

(Beaver Patronus)

Dawson: Shit, I'm sorry Joey, I almost had it! Are you okay?

Joey: You are a piece of shit, Dawson. I know you know the incantation. Are you just trying to fuck with me? Forcing me to conjure a Patronus? Now I'm fucking exhausted.

Dawson: I'm sorry, Joey. I really tried.

Joey: I can't believe I let you put it in my butt last night. You are the worst boyfriend ever.

Dawson: Joey, you know I have trouble with this charm! Why couldn't you just conjure one from the very beginning?

Joey: Because, I thought that maybe if my BOYFRIEND saw me getting attacked by dementors, he might find his balls and cast a protective spell that we learned when we were sixteen fucking years old!

Dawson: Joey, you are such a bitch! So that was just like a test, to see if I loved you enough to do something that I have NEVER been able to do before? Even in a fucking classroom, let alone with ten giant dementors swooping down on me?

Joey: Yeah, maybe it was. And I guess you failed.

Dawson: That is so unfair. You know, I let you run me around all the damn time, but this is ridiculous. You are not going to make me feel guilty for this.

Joey: Yeah, why should you feel guilty for letting a pack of dementors attack me and doing jack shit about it? Don't even give me that. You are SO not getting any tonight.

Dawson: Well, at least I'm not missing anything, Mrs. I Have The Hugest Vagina Ever.

Joey: Whatever you say, limp dick.

(They storm off to the castle in silence)

END SCENE

Laura: He just totally blew me off! I thought we really connected during strip basketball last night. We even made plans to go to a Wizard Rock concert. He was going to be my date for the Harvest Dance.

Kate: I can't believe he let me get so close and then shut me down like that. Why is he so hot and cold all the time? Guys suck.

Becca: Seriously. If they aren't ditching you or lying to you, they're trying to get you wasted so they can get in your pants.

Kate: I hate to say it, but I never really trusted that Stefan guy.

Becca: Yeah, well, we all know Clive Owen is kind of an asshole. And it's not like Delonte is Prince Charming either.

Laura: We have been living a lie, all of us.

(Jenna enters)

Jenna: Hey, guys! What's going on? Why is there so much ice cream in here? Is that Love Actually?

Kate: We are feeling sorry for ourselves and our failing relationships with boys.

Jenna: Oh no! What happened?

Kate: Clive Owen came and cooked dinner with me, flirted with me, led me on, and then abruptly left me alone in the kitchen and broke my heart.

Laura: Delonte blew me off at the bar and started chatting up all these slutty Muggle girls. They wanted to check out his tattoos and he did everything but strip naked to show them.

Becca: Stefan blew me off after I wouldn't get shitfaced with him to get a bathroom BJ from Quinn Fabray.

Jenna: Holy shit. Are you all going to totally hate me if I share some good news?

Becca: Most likely. Share anyways, we need a distraction from our pain.

Jenna: Well…I kind of asked Pacey to the Harvest Dance! He said yes.

Kate: Of course he said yes! Oh my god, you asked Pacey out! This is huge.

Laura: At least one of us has a date to the Harvest Dance. I will just have to go with that cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen.

Kate: I don't think I will even go. Clive Owen will be presiding over it since he is the student body president, I don't need to be around him all night.

Becca: Laura, I'll be your date. I'll even wear my brother's dress robes if you want.

Jenna: Oh, shit you guys. That reminds me. Pacey doesn't have dress robes…he wants to wear slacks.

Kate: Slacks? To a Hogwarts party? Can't he just borrow some dress robes?

Jenna: Maybe he could borrow some from his cousin…I kind of got the feeling he didn't want to though. I mean, I pretty much have him by the balls so if I asked him to I'm sure he would. But I want him to be comfortable.

Becca: It's going to be pretty weird for him. I mean it's one thing to bring Muggle girls to Hogwarts parties, but I can't even remember someone bringing a Muggle dude before.

Kate: He will be fine. Everyone knows Pacey, he's basically one of us. Plus his cousin goes here so it totally won't be that weird.

Laura: I bet Delonte will take one of those Muggle girls to the dance. Or maybe all of them. I bet they will all wear shirts as dresses. Sluts.

Jenna: Yeah, those girls were trying to flirt with Pacey too. He did not take the bait at all. In fact, he visibly cringed every time the really shrill one said anything.

Laura: That's the one who made Delonte take off his shirt. I can't believe he went for HER, out of every girl in the entire world.

Becca: I can't believe Stefan is going for Quinn Fabray, out of every freaking girl in the entire world. Ugh.

Kate: Clive Owen is apparently supposed to marry her, you know. Their families have some kind of informal agreement.

Becca: Why are these hoes stealing all our men?

Laura: I bet that shrill Muggle girl won't take him to a Wizard Rock concert. They wouldn't even like the Whomping Willows, or Draco and the Malfoys.

Kate: Laura, I love the Whomping Willows! Let's go together, all of us! That would be way more fun anyways.

Jenna: Um, I'm okay. Wizard Rock is not really my thing.

Becca: Yeah, I'm not sure how much I'm willing to pay to see a band called "Draco and the Malfoys".

Laura: I think you'll find that a meaningful Wizard Rock concert experience is priceless. It's more of a symphony, really.

Kate: Dude, have you heard that new Gred and Forge song called "Our Fireworks Say Poo"? It's pretty awesome.

Laura: I will make a note to download it immediately. Personally, I'm really into the Butterbeer Experience right now. But the Whomping Willows are like, classic Wizard Rock.

Jenna: I don't even know what to say about this.

Becca: It's too late now. They are off to Wizard Rock Land. Who knows what horrors await them there.

Jenna: Right, well I'm just gonna head on over into my room then. Becca, you feel like a nightcap?

Becca: Why is everyone trying to get me drunk tonight? Am I really that boring sober?

Jenna: Well, I was talking about some leftover Chinese food, actually.

Becca: Oh. Well I'm pretty filled up on ice cream right now, but thanks anyways. I should go to sleep. Laura, you wanna come back to the suite with me?

Laura: Okay, but you have to admit, the Remus Lupins have a couple good songs. What, Becca? Oh, I think Misa is using the room tonight, I figured I'd be getting with Delonte so I told her she could have it.

Kate: It's okay, Laura. Tonight is the perfect night to reschedule our Isenfrench Sleepover. I've got another carton of cookie dough ice cream in the freezer.

Laura: And if we run out, we can always Apparate to ampm!

Kate: Exactly.

END SCENE

Ian Somerhalder: I'm sorry about tonight, Misa. Even I was getting annoyed by me. You sure do know how to make a guy crazy.

Misa: I'll take that as a compliment. You seem much more normal now.

Ian Somerhalder: Yeah, I guess I'm not really used to chasing girls, you know? They usually just come to me. Not to sound cocky, but yeah.

Misa: Ian, you really don't need to chase me. Frankly, even moment I spend not having sex with you is kind of mundane. I should really be the one chasing you.

Ian Somerhalder: It's probably a good thing you don't. Chasing you is kind of a turn-on for me, actually. It's different.

Misa: Yeah well, everything about you is pretty much a huge turn-on for me.

Ian Somerhalder: Yeah? What do you like the most, my chiseled six pack, smoldering gaze, or perfectly tousled hair?

Misa: Actually, it's your incredible modesty that really gets me going. And the six pack is pretty nice too.

Ian Somerhalder: Hey, it's not easy being beautiful. What do you say we burn some more calories? I've got another couple rounds in me.

Misa: I thought you'd never ask.

(Fornication)

END SCENE

Pacey: Wow, Yasi. You are a natural at this. I would not be upset if you decided to help out all the time.

Yasi: Thanks, Pacey! I had a lot of fun tonight. I probably can't tomorrow night, but Friday I don't have a lot going on.

Pacey: That's kind of perfect. Jenna asked me to go to a Hogwarts party or dance or something with her, and I need someone to cover for me.

Yasi: Ooh, she finally asked you out? That's awesome, Pacey!

Pacey: I know, I really didn't expect it. I'm kind of nervous to go to a Hogwarts party though, it's gonna be weird seeing all my customers out of context.

(Alexander Skarsgard enters, extremely disheveled)

Pacey: Dude, where have you been? I've been looking for you for like half an hour.

Alexander Skarsgard: Sorry, I, uh, got busy.

Yasi: Got busy? With who? You look like you just had sex with a herd of angry mountain goats.

Alexander Skarsgard: I wish I had sex! No, we just made out…a lot.

Pacey: You and a mountain goat? Seriously?

Yasi: NO Pacey, him and Reid obviously! That's so awesome, Alex! How was it?

Alexander Skarsgard: Let's just say I'm gonna jack off like it's my fucking job and then sleep like a baby tonight.

Pacey: Way too much information. Not cool.

Yasi: I think it's sweet. Everybody is getting what they want tonight.

Alexander Skarsgard: Yeah, everybody except that kid Delonte West. He is passed out in the women's bathroom. But he threw up all over the men's bathroom, so I'm not really sure when the transfer took place.

Pacey: Do you think we can just leave him there? I want to go home.

Alexander Skarsgard: I'm pretty sure Reid is gonna levitate him back to campus. They have their first game tomorrow, so they have to be ready.

Yasi: Their first game! Aw, Alex, are you gonna go and cheer for your boyfriend?

Alexander Skarsgard: Shut the fuck up! He's not my boyfriend. And no, I wouldn't be caught dead setting foot on that campus.

Yasi: Are you gonna give him a good luck kiss before he goes out on the court?

Alexander Skarsgard: If you weren't dating my roommate and best friend, I'd Avada your ass right now. Come on, let's go see how our little shape shifter is holding up.

Pacey: See you later, guys. Leave the back door propped in case Delonte decides to leave.

(Alexander Skarsgard and Yasi exit)

Pacey: I wonder where Laura is? She was with Delonte earlier, but I haven't seen her for a few hours. Kate didn't even come in tonight. I guess it's a good thing I'm going to this Hogwarts party, otherwise I might not see my friends for god knows how long.

END SCENE


End file.
